Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Hard Questions

I strongly dislike mornings like this....the ones where I can't go back to sleep after Chris leaves for work.  I know I am going to be tired by early afternoon, but my mind is too busy racing to let my body rest.  Generally, right around the time my physical tiredness starts to defeat my brain, I look at the clock and realize there is no way I can let myself go to sleep because the kids have to be up in 15 minutes to start getting ready for school.  Chances are that not long after the big kids get on the bus, Breanna will be awake and our day will start.

It's days like today that I wish I was a coffee drinker...or really a caffeine drinker period.  But on a general day, if you raid my fridge you will find bottled water, Powerade, and caffeine free coke and diet coke.  We even buy decaf tea.

I haven't talked much lately about what's going on in my treatment process...mostly because the less I talk about it, the further I am able to push it to the back of my mind.  Maybe it's denial, I don't know, but whatever it is....it's a BLESSING that allows me to spend most of my days living a life where nothing on the outside appears to be wrong.  I know that that won't be my reality for too much longer so I just want to enjoy it while I can.  I've developed a pretty bad chest cold...between that and issues with the insurance...surgery has been pushed back to the 23rd of this month.  They don't want to risk developing pneumonia post op, and further complicating things so antibiotics it is for me right now!

The kids are starting to see the physical tiredness setting in, and last night at supper they started asking questions about it.  We've never really approached it with them because they are so young, but I guess at 8 and almost 8 they are curious.

They asked questions like, Will you be tired all the time after surgery?  Will you have to sleep a lot?  Will your boo boo's hurt really bad?  Will we be able to see your boo boo's or will your shirt cover them?  A lot of general questions.

They asked if my hair would fall out, because they've seen that happen to other people with cancer, and I told them it might.  Then they asked why some people's hair falls out...is it because the doctors put your medicine on your head?  I chuckled at this!  I LOVE how innocent yet curious their minds are.

Then the questions started getting a little more serious.  A little more than maybe what I was mentally prepared to talk to about my kids.

Big A asked me if I am sick because I take care of them so much that I don't take care of myself.  It took everything I had to fight back tears when I explained to him that that wasn't the case at all, that sometimes people just get sick.  And that it doesn't matter what's wrong with me, I will ALWAYS take care of them because they are the most important thing to me in the world besides their dad.

Then came the BIG question...with a crackling voice he asks, Are you going to die?

How do you answer a question you don't know the answer to??? And how do you put it into terms for small children to understand?

I honestly don't know...I don't think so, but only God knows the answer to that for sure.

It had crossed my mind, that it would cross their mind, that my hair might fall out.  After all, Kinsey is growing her hair for Locks of Love.  But it, honestly, never occurred to me that they might be thinking about...worrying about...me dying.

Well, who would take care of us if you do? Daddy can't cook! You do our homework with us, and tell us to take baths, and tuck us in at night.

"Daddy, Mamaw and Papaw, Nana and Papa, Aunt Kiki, Grammie Dee,.......everybody that loves you guys.  And don't worry...I'm sure daddy would learn how to cook if he HAD to.  He just doesn't want to because I might ask him to do it if he knew how," I said.

Or, MAYBE, he would just take us to eat fast food EVERY NIGHT!  (picture three little smiling faces pondering junk food and soft drinks every.single.day!)

Whew!...At least the thought of eating fast food and drinking soda every night took us away from the hard questions.


  1. i'm so sorry that you are even having to think about those questions :(

  2. Sorry that you [or they, depending on how you view it] had to go through that. :( I"m sure it was very hard. Praying for you...always!

  3. I too am sorry that you are having to deal with those questions. I know they are hard when you think about them yourself, and 50 times harder when you hear them come out the mouth of your child.

    I believe it is good that you guys are open and talking with at least the older ones about it. They are valid questions/fears/concerns. Discussing with them can and will make it easier on you guys too. Trying to hold in all that 'bad' information and keep it completely merry for the kids isn't always best. Some kids are mature enough to handle the fact that it is a hard or sad time and that there may be a chance you will shed a tear or two in front of them. As long as they know and are reassured that the tears are not caused by them and are strictly because of pain or sad thoughts will help make them understand. You deserve to have that full range of emotion that you need to deal with this.

    Almost all parents feel the need to protect their children from anything negative and in some cases that is what you HAVE to do. I do believe that children that are old enough to handle it should have a grasp on the situation though.

    Not telling you what to do or how to raise your family, so don't think that. Just rambling on what I was told when the kids dealt with a great grandmother who was dying a couple years ago. Honestly, my children have dealt with so much loss/hurt and been to more funerals in their little lives than I would prefer.

  4. You are such a strong woman that I admire! I think of you daily and will be here for anything you need help with!

  5. but you are giving your children SUCH a gift in letting them walk WITH you through this (as much as is appropriate). i think years from now (or weeks...or months) you'll all be stronger from it. you're doing SUCH an amazing and inspiring job. and you're teaching your babies how to deal with the heartaches/struggles of life in a positive and faithful way.