Thursday, August 26, 2010

Promise of a Lifetime

First and foremost I wanted to tell you all how much I appreciate all the prayers.  As hard as yesterday's appointment was, I felt a sense of peace during it.  

I know He puts people in your life, at specific times, for a reason.  Yesterday as I sat in the doctors office going over all mine and my family's medical history - when I started talking about Breanna, my nurse had tears streaming down her face.  She told me she just couldn't imagine facing the amount of heartache and grief that I have faced in the past three years, and then she asked me if I had had any type of grief counseling.  I told her I have 'counseling' every day with God.  I don't need an appointment with a therapist when I can talk to Him any time, day or night, that I need to.  He has made me the promise of my lifetime...He truly has my best interest at heart, and he will never leave me.

She just starred at me for a minute, told me how beautiful of a person I am, thanked me for reminding her of that, and told me she hopes He continues to give me the kind of 'peace' I am experiencing right now throughout the next several months as I embark on this journey.

I haven't told many people this, but when all of this came about and I was initially faced with the decision between a lumpectomy or bi-lateral mastectomy I felt a sense of uneasiness about both decisions.  My prayer was that I would feel a sense of peace when I thought about the 'right' decision I was supposed to be making.

I had a dream (I'm not a big 'oh I had this dream and it's a sign' kind of person, but I truly believe this was His way of telling me what to do) that Breanna was a teenager and she was crying about not wanting to go to the public pool because she didn't want these people from school to see her scars.  I held my daughter, and told her "Baby girl, it's ok if the world sees your scars, you fought the battle of your lifetime and you WON!  Be proud of that."  

Now, I don't know if that will end up being a deja vu kind of dream, or if that was just his way of saying Baby're fighting the battle of your lifetime, don't be afraid to let the world see your scars. But I know as a mother, I can not say those words to her if I can't do the same.  

Yesterday, after going through medical history, and doing an exam (in which a third tumor was found) my oncologist told me with great certainty that if the lumpectomy route was taken, by the age of 35, I would have cancer again. He said, "Lets get you in surgery ASAP, get them off, get you reconstructed, and get you where have one less worry on your plate because you have been through the ringer."

I have no doubt in my mind that my making peace with the mastectomy a week ago was his way of making sure I would have the sense of peace I needed as I went to the oncologist office and learned it was really the ONLY option.  He knew that was going to happen.

I had my complete blood work up, an EKG, and chest x-ray yesterday.  Surgery is tentatively set for September 9.  And I have an appointment with the oncologist to make a final decision regarding chemotherapy for September 17.  This will give them time to get the results from the BRCA 1 and 2 test I had done yesterday, and all the pathology reports from the tumors.  

I will be 16 days post op when the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure takes place in Evansville.  I guarantee I won't be feeling that great, but as long as I am able to function, I will be there, walking along side of my family.  If any of you want to join us, or make a donation let me or Dawn Renee Staley (Couts) know.  You can find her on Facebook and shoot her a message.

Thank you all for your continued love, prayer, and support.


  1. I'm just in tears- not b/c I pity you, but b/c I'm so proud of you. I know you have low moments, but you also know who is in charge. He can handle our questions. I am so glad you have peace about the decision.

    I don't even remember how we started talking online again a few years ago, but I'm so thankful for your friendship and for you.

  2. i won't be in evansville...but i'll do the one in nashville for you :)

  3. Thank you Lora!!! That really means a lot.

    Chelsa-your friendship is a blessing in my life too!

  4. Cassondra, you are such a strong, beautiful woman! Not only that, but a strong, beautiful woman of God! I just wanted to let you know that we are praying for both you and Dawnetta, that we love you both and know that God is leading you on the path that He has designated for you. Psalm 94:19.

    Chanel and family