I've had several emails over the past few days with people telling me they admire the fact that I seem like I 'always have it together'.
WOW!!! That's quite the compliment.
But the cold, hard truth is...
I'M A HUGE MESS!
Do I believe God is by my side in all of this? Do I believe He will get me and my family through this? Do I trust in Him?
But that doesn't mean I have it all together.
The truth is, I'm ANGRY! I'm angry that at 28 yrs old I have cancer. I'm angry that in the past 8 years, I have had 5 major surgeries. (8 if you count my 3 c-sections...I don't, because those were for a good cause. :) )
I sit and I think, "God, haven't I been through enough? I know you won't give me more than I can handle, but WHY for the love of all things good do you possibly think I CAN handle THIS?"
Then I look around at all the people who are WAY worse off than me, and I think, "WHY NOT ME?" I have a supportive and loving family, and there are so many people out there facing this EXACT.SAME.SITUATION, and they DON'T have a strong support system. They don't have faith in the Lord that He CAN AND WILL take care of them. So, why not me?
I'm having an emotionally bad day today, and I want you guys to know, because I want to be completely honest here and I don't want people looking at me and thinking, "Man, that girl has it together all the time!" I don't! I'm not some superhuman, freak of nature who is 'with it' all the time. I'm far from that person. I just trust that His grace will bring me through these bad days.
I know He knew ahead of time that today would be a bad day for me. My sister decided to have my nephews birthday party today (and it's mine and Chris's anniversary), so I'm sure being surrounded by family will help me get out of this funk.
In the meantime, my iPod is on repeat of my 'go to' song, and I'm sitting in my bathroom for some quiet time....