Anxious

I haven't slept but a handful of hours in the past week.

I am suffering from terrible insomnia.

It's stressed related.

I'm so ready for my girls to be back from their dads, but I am anxious about Kinsey having to get put under anesthesia for her upcoming oral surgery.

I know that is probably shallow, and as a mother I have faced far worse, a far more dangerous operation with another one of my children.  But it's still worrisome to me to have any of my kids face surgery....no matter how insignificant it may be.

I'm anxious about my consultation with the breast cancer surgeon tomorrow morning.  I keep telling everyone I'm fine; that it is 'just a boob', but the truth is...I'm really feeling uneasy about the possibility of needing to have it completely removed.

The potential loss of a breast feels a little more significant in my woman-hood than my uterus did.  I never hit that state of depression that most (young) woman talk about experiencing after having a hysterectomy at such a young age.    I was only 26, but I was done birthing babies, and it's not like you walk around with a stamp on your forehead that says "I don't have a uterus, or fallopian tubes, or an ovary."  It's not like anyone can see it the way the could see a non-existent boob. The only clue people might have is that even in an air conditioned room my menopausal induced hot flashes make me sweat like a pig on a hot summer day.

Okay, maybe not that bad, but pretty darn close.

I freeze my poor husband to death at night.  While I have two fans pointing directly on me, he's bundled up under our comforter and a sleeping bag.

And Chris.  Well, he has been nothing but thoughtful and caring since my diagnosis.  Constantly checking in, taking on extra household chores,  really just doing anything and everything he can to help me relax as much as possible.  But I know he's just as scared as I am.  How could he not be when he watched his mother pass away from it?!

Other than feeling uneasy about that the fact that a little bit of my womanhood may soon be gone, the truth is it's scary.

Having cancer is downright scary!  Especially when the type of breast cancer you have affects less than 1% of breast cancer patients, and tends to be non-responsive to chemo and/or radiation.

SO...

I'm REALLY, extremely, overly stressed right now, and I've been baking even more than usual in an attempt to keep my mind pre-occupied. It's just what I do.  Some people get angry and hit and throw things.  Some people sob.  Some people have constant panic attacks, and depression.

Me, well, I bake.

But even endless amounts of baking have been unable to ease my stress level, and that is just so unusual for me.

Is it weird that my husband can tell I'm upset not by my show of emotions but by how many courses of food I serve for dinner that night?

Today was a particularly hard day in that I received some unexpected, not so pleasant news about the situation with M and her mom.  I sat in a waiting room with her today, and begged God to give me the strength to make it through all of this.  To give me a sense of calm until I could wrap my head around it.

I still haven't...wrapped my head around it yet, but I feel almost eerily calm right now.  And I know...it's going to be o.k.  Until tonight, I hadn't cried except for the night we initially learned I had a mass, and they had some concerns and wanted me to meet with the breast cancer center.  In my need to 'hold it together' I rarely cry.  Pastor Darrell delivered a sermon about pain and how we will all experience pain in this life.  I was in tears the entire service, and again tonight as his words kept filling my mind. I felt this overwhelming surge of emotion, and then it was gone as quickly as it came. Which may or may not have been the result of a extremely crude joke my husband made....because....well, that's just the kind of guy he is.  WARNING: If crude jokes offend you, you just might want to stop reading here.

I know He knew as much as I needed to cry and let it out, Chris needed to hold me.  You see, he's been tip toeing around, not sure how to break the ice (out of fear that it might be the cause of me breaking down), but he wanted me to know how much he loves me and that 'I'll still be beautiful to him even if I only have one boob, because, REALLY, that's all he needs.'

YES.  That really did come out of my loving husbands mouth.

And I.  Well let's just say, a little snot may or may not have shot out of my nose as I started laughing.

As I sit here tonight, I know He is telling me to let it go; to have faith that He will take care of it all.

Please pray for me, that I am able to do just that...Let it go, and have faith that He WILL take care of it all.