Monday, August 09, 2010

Feelings of guilt

Today's Bible verse is one I think we all need to hear from time to time.  I especially need it today.

"Be still, and know that I am God."
                          Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

All too often we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of our crazy lives to stop long enough to just "Be still" and trust in His master plan.  

I know I am eminently guilty of this.

I didn't sleep well last night.  There are so many variants of how Wednesday will go, what we will find out, and I'm just a nervous wreck about it.  Not that any of you would expect me not to be, but I'm starting to get under my own skin.  

Chris and I have been going back and forth about the pro's and con's of lumpectomy vs mastectomy (in case it comes down to it being personal choice for preventative measures).  He's so supportive and wants what is best for me long term, and he feels that is going forth with the mastectomy, but ultimately he says it is my choice because it is my body. His main concern is 2 or 3 or 5 years from now it coming back and us not being so lucky and catching it early on. But all I seem to be able to think about is cost.  What if insurance will only pay for the lumpectomy but we have to cover the difference if we elect for the mastectomy?  There are so many uncertain factors in this equation.  Factors that could greatly affect our savings account.  I know secretly Chris is worrying about it too, although he won't admit it in his need to reassure me that everything is going to be OK. He says we just need to focus on getting me through this.  I fear the kids will have to do without because of this (Chris guarantees me nobody will be doing without anything, and that he will get a week-end job, if need be), and I'm just having a hard time being OK with that.  He already goes to work at 4:30 in the morning and doesn't get home until 6 pm.  He always puts his family first!

We actually got into a little well pretty big spat about it yesterday after I said to him, "I feel like it might be selfish to opt to do a procedure that isn't 100% necessary if it is going to take away from our family as a whole." That statement didn't go over very well. 

He yelled something about that being the stupidest thing he has ever heard, and stormed out of the room.

I, on the other hand, started sobbing uncontrollably.

When we finally started talking again, with tears in his eyes, he said to me, "If you can't stop thinking about what you THINK is in everyone else's best interest long enough to focus on yours for once, then I WILL make the decision for you.  It IS in 'our family as a whole's' BEST INTEREST for you to be alive and not or in the future!"  

I understand that.  I really do.  But it's not helping these feelings of guilt that because of this disease all of our lives are going to be impacted.  I feel guilty that my husband is making even more sacrifices than he already does.

I need your prayers today.  LOTS of them!


  1. This post just broke my heart. You have such a STRONG family, Casondra. I totally agree with Chris...It is hard for us mothers to be selfish at times, but are we really being selfish? I mean when it comes to a matter like this you would be putting your family first by doing whatever needs to be done because they will need you and want you around as long as possible...You need to look at it like that...It is by far selfish...

  2. The post made me feel sad. :( I agree, you guys have a strong family and I think it is awesome that Chris is there SO much for you.

    Sorry you guys got into a spat. Casondra, you are awesome, but I have to go with Chris on this one. If it meant you being healthy, I would do it no matter what the cost.