Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sick to death - No Pun Intended!!!

Amanda and I were having a conversation today when she came to take me to my doctor's appointment.

I told her that it's hard to even go out in public right now...not because I'm ashamed of how I look or anything like that.

But because every where I look, there's PINK!

Now, I have three girls so I'm quite used to seeing pink.

But for me, personally, and even though in my heart I'm thankful for the awareness campaigns, ads, etc to help support research, it's also a constant reminder of what is going on in my life.

I've been reluctant to post about this because I'm sure it will stir up a lot of debate, and some won't understand my feeling like this, but this is my place to be real, so I'm putting it out there.

You know if you're having a stressful day at home, and you just want to go shopping with your girl friends to have a break, to de-stress?  Well, I get that way...a lot.  In those moments where the kids are asleep or at school, the reality of my life hits me.  So, you would think getting out of the house and staying busy would help keep my mind off of things, but it's just the opposite, because as we all's Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  There are reminders every where I look.

But then, I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Like it's a sign of weakness, and I should be proud of the fact that I'm a survivor.

Today, I was reading a post a woman wrote praising her husband for how awesome he had been during her breast cancer diagnosis, her mastectomy, her treatment, and recovery.  She went on to say, "He gets it.  He gets why I cringe when I see the pink lids on yogurt containers, or pink running shoes, and pink ribbons.  It's a month-long, every day reminder of the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life."

I felt a little more normal after I read this because I realized there are other people who feel EXACTLY the same way I do.

It's not that we aren't proud of where we've been, what we (our bodies) have been through, or that we aren't proud to represent the women who, sadly, will follow us and become part of the breast cancer elite, and those who have bravely went before us.  It's just stirs up a lot of emotions that are so raw when there are reminders every where you look.

Now don't get me wrong... while I will be walking/running in the Race for a Cure next year, it still just hurts!

Honestly, I can't wait for November to get here!!!


  1. totally get it- oct 15 is baby loss awareness day. i'm so sick of looking at everyone's blue/pink ribbon... and being reminded every single second (or so it seems) that my baby died. i think of him every day don't get me wrong, BUT i like to just think of him as "my child" not as "the dead child"...

  2. I TOTALLY understand Casondra. I sometimes get REALLY angry that there are a million pink things everywhere and I have a hard time getting people to support HIV/AIDS research or testing or programs. I feel guilty being mad but it's just everywhere! That and all that pink reminds me of you and your Aunt and that makes me sad. Ugh! I did buy some pink popcorn at work today from the walkers though. hehe! Missing you.......

  3. You know, I've never thought about it affecting breast cancer survivors that way. I read in one blog that last month was ovarian cancer awareness month...I knew nothing about it.
    Thanks for your insight!

  4. my friend with thyroid cancer last year said "the breast cancer girls get all the glory"...but i guess you also get more reminders than you like. i get that, to a certain degree. it's sometimes hard for me to read ED awareness things because it reminds me of where i've been. and sometimes that's fine...but if i had to deal with it every day i don't know how that would affect me!

  5. Whilst having not been a sufferer of cancer my mum had cancer and the awareness campaigns etc... are great but at that time in my life it was a slap in the face to see it.

    I wanted to go shopping to destress and would see cancer reminders everywhere making it hard.

    Not as hard as it is for you, but I can understand why it's hard.

    Hope the rest of the month gets easier. :)

  6. I get it, and I totally respect you for it. I support causes, but I see how it's a hard reminder daily for people. There are a lot of things in the world I feel this way about.
    My big one, flags and ribbons on cars/houses/etc... supporting the US. Don't get me wrong, I support the troops and I feel happy, relieved, lucky for all they do for us here. My ex and my real father and other family members have served in the military. What gets me is that all of a sudden something happens and then EVERYONE wants to put a flag or other thing on their car/house/etc... Where's the support before? I know, sounds like I'm demeaning the whole US, but really, I'm not.

  7. I am a recent BC survivor so I get what you are saying, seeing all that pink everywhere kind of opens a wound because it makes me feel a little ashamed because my body betrayed me somehow and let the cancer in. But I have also found that by announcing that I am a survivor when I see women out there raising fund or wearing tshirts makes them feel really good because it personalizes what they are doing. And in some strange way it takes some of the shame away for me.