I'm just mad...

Today was the first day since my surgery that I broke down.  I've been crying the better part of the afternoon.

I really try to not look at my chest too much right now, I know this is just a means to the end....BUT what's there is NOT mine.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that at 28, I feel like MY body has been stripped away.

Actually, it's not that I feel it has....it ACTUALLY has!

In a 14 month time period, I've lost my reproductive organs and now my breast.

I continue to tell myself that it's ok, none of that defines who I am, but as a woman a little part of me has died.

We got the great news that NO chemo is needed at this point, and while that is TERRIFIC news, I still have several months of tissue expansion, and another surgery in my future.  This ordeal is still so far from being over.  And that is starting to wear on me mentally.

I hate being a 'complainer' but the truth is...I'm STILL so exhausted.  Maybe some of that is all the medicine working it's way out of my system, some of it because I'm having such a hard time sleeping at night because of the drain tubes, and some of it the fact that I did just have a major surgery.  Whatever the reason, I just hope the fatigue goes away sooner than later.

I think the biggest part of me that's having a hard time excepting it, is the part of me that I honestly thought this wouldn't be any worse than any of my other surgeries.  Especially not any worse than my hysterectomy, or C-sections.  I mean what could be worse than having your abdominal muscles cut in half?  I know severing nerves and cutting your pectoral muscle apart is a BIG deal...and I'm glad I had 'convinced' myself this would be a walk in the park, because I had such a sense of peace and calm before I went into surgery.  That in itself was a blessing.  I just thought when I hit one week and I still was feeling pretty bad, that surely by the end of week two I'd feel more 'normal' than I do.

I know this 'let down' is me setting my expectations of myself too high...my doctors keep tell me I'm doing so well.

Apparently their idea of 'well' and mine are two totally different things.

Dad keeps telling me it's going to take time.  Just take it one day at a time.  That I had complications with the blood loss and that is playing into my healing as well as my diabetes.

I read on the breast cancer forum that so many women who have the tissue expanders put in following their mastectomies are on pain meds for several weeks, and I stopped taking them days ago.  Not because the pain is gone, but because #1 I HATE the way they make me feel, and #2 I have kids I need to take care of.  So, I know I'm doing ok in comparison.

I live my life with diabetes, I can handle functioning while not feeling normal, but this sense of helplessness because I can't lift things, get things out of my cabinets, I can't hug my children because of the pain, heck I can't even dry myself completely when I get out of the shower.

Accompany that with drain tubes hanging from my sides, nasty black bruises, and deformed breast and it's just too much for me today.


I'm just longing for the day that I actually feel normal again, and find some peace about the reality of my new body parts.