Friday, October 08, 2010

I'm just mad...

Today was the first day since my surgery that I broke down.  I've been crying the better part of the afternoon.

I really try to not look at my chest too much right now, I know this is just a means to the end....BUT what's there is NOT mine.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that at 28, I feel like MY body has been stripped away.

Actually, it's not that I feel it ACTUALLY has!

In a 14 month time period, I've lost my reproductive organs and now my breast.

I continue to tell myself that it's ok, none of that defines who I am, but as a woman a little part of me has died.

We got the great news that NO chemo is needed at this point, and while that is TERRIFIC news, I still have several months of tissue expansion, and another surgery in my future.  This ordeal is still so far from being over.  And that is starting to wear on me mentally.

I hate being a 'complainer' but the truth is...I'm STILL so exhausted.  Maybe some of that is all the medicine working it's way out of my system, some of it because I'm having such a hard time sleeping at night because of the drain tubes, and some of it the fact that I did just have a major surgery.  Whatever the reason, I just hope the fatigue goes away sooner than later.

I think the biggest part of me that's having a hard time excepting it, is the part of me that I honestly thought this wouldn't be any worse than any of my other surgeries.  Especially not any worse than my hysterectomy, or C-sections.  I mean what could be worse than having your abdominal muscles cut in half?  I know severing nerves and cutting your pectoral muscle apart is a BIG deal...and I'm glad I had 'convinced' myself this would be a walk in the park, because I had such a sense of peace and calm before I went into surgery.  That in itself was a blessing.  I just thought when I hit one week and I still was feeling pretty bad, that surely by the end of week two I'd feel more 'normal' than I do.

I know this 'let down' is me setting my expectations of myself too doctors keep tell me I'm doing so well.

Apparently their idea of 'well' and mine are two totally different things.

Dad keeps telling me it's going to take time.  Just take it one day at a time.  That I had complications with the blood loss and that is playing into my healing as well as my diabetes.

I read on the breast cancer forum that so many women who have the tissue expanders put in following their mastectomies are on pain meds for several weeks, and I stopped taking them days ago.  Not because the pain is gone, but because #1 I HATE the way they make me feel, and #2 I have kids I need to take care of.  So, I know I'm doing ok in comparison.

I live my life with diabetes, I can handle functioning while not feeling normal, but this sense of helplessness because I can't lift things, get things out of my cabinets, I can't hug my children because of the pain, heck I can't even dry myself completely when I get out of the shower.

Accompany that with drain tubes hanging from my sides, nasty black bruises, and deformed breast and it's just too much for me today.

I'm just longing for the day that I actually feel normal again, and find some peace about the reality of my new body parts.


  1. I got off a little early today and almost ran over to see and talk to you now I wished I had. If you ever feel down call me I can usually free up some time to talk. Would you like for us to bring Riley over with us Sunday?

  2. Hi. bumped on your blog randomly. And in my random five minutes of reading your last post, this is what I found out about you: you're in pain. you've got a loving family and caring friends. The pain will go away. But the rest will always be there. Consider this. You're luckier, despite all else, than very many "healthy" people. Be blessed. Wish you all the best.

  3. 1. It's really good that you have a blog where you can release your feelings.
    2. I can't even begin to know what you're going through, but I know you're a real trooper.
    3. I have a feeling your kids know how much you love them even though you can't give proper hugs right now.
    4. Keep fighting!

  4. just wanted to remind you that it's okay to feel the way you're feeling! it's okay to feel angry. and it's okay to be mad.

    still praying for you.

  5. Found your blog through For Such a Time as This. Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you in NC.

  6. My opinion (not that it matters all that much) is I think it is completely normal for you to be feeling this way. You have gone through a lot. You've totally dealt with a lot of surgeries and things that would make you question your 'womanhood'. Like Chelsa said, it's okay, really okay, to feel this way.

    I know you are having a hard time with this, but you will make it through this just as you have made it through everything so far, and you will do it beautifully and gracefully as you always have. You are a woman, you are beautiful, you are strong, no matter what.

    Prayers for you still.

  7. This might sound weird but I'm really glad you posted this. I'm sure it is not easy and this puts a real face to what is going on and how it affects people. Thanks for posting it. Congratulations on not having to do chemo.

    Praying for you.

  8. i've kept this in my google reader because i wanted to respond when i had some actual time to write!

    i think you SHOULD be mad. i would be concerned if you didn't have some of those feelings...much like someone wrote on my post about missing "home" that she was glad i was authentic about it.

    and quite frankly, i've been mad too. for you, for my friend sam who is going through his second round of leukemia when we thought it was gone...i stay pretty pissed off at cancer most of the time.

    but at the same time, i heard a statement at the conference this weekend that gave me pause as well. that instead of disagreeing with things that aren't the will of God, we should start agreeing WITH the will of God.

    and for that reason, i hereby stop disagreeing with the cancer in your body and agree with God for your healing :)