I try REALLY hard NOT to be a 'Debbie Downer' and instead shift my focus on what I'm doing with this 'special mission' God gave me, and how I can use it to glorify Him. I'm not always the best at it. I don't often go around quoting scripture. I've actually found that just the testimony of what we've been through in the past few years seems leave people in awe of the miracles He HAS performed and they realize, 'There's no way this family could have survived all of this without their faith in the Lord.'
But sometimes....I retreat to the 'why's' and I DO, very much, get angry.
Yesterday, a twitter friend of mine, Allie had to have, yet another, breast surgery. Granted it was a fat transfer and was part of the 'reconstruction' process, but it just makes me angry. Why at 31 years old is she having to endure these plastic surgery procedures to 'reconstruct' what is one of the things that defines us a women? Because breast cancer took them from her! And it's not fair. It's not fair that our version of 'normal' is so far from what we cold have ever envisioned for our lives. It's not fair that at the respective ages of 28 and 31 we have both in the years 2009 and 2010 had mastectomies, reconstructive surgeries, AND hysterectomies. It's not fair that literally months before she found out she had cancer she got a divorce, and NOW, she has a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, but will never be able to have more biological children. (She has ONE child!)
It's not fair that today, her body is so bruised and in so much pain that she can barely move. And when she does, the pain is so intense that she is diminished to tears. It's not fair that I had a PT/OT evaluation today for my arm (which is messed up as a result of these surgeries) and the PT told me she thinks the damage is might be severe enough that they can't help me.
It's not fair, and today, I'm ANGRY! I'm angry for her, I'm angry for me, I'm angry breast cancer took my aunt just a few months ago, and I'm angry that a new friend, Lisa, was just diagnosed a couple weeks ago, and has already spent SO much time in the hospital. It's not fair that Lisa is cutting her hair very short today in preparation for her hair to fall out. I'm angry for her!
I realize now, that that is OK.
It's okay to be hurt, and scared, and just flat-out TICKED OFF!
I don't have to understand the why's or the how's, because he meets me in my questions and moments of uncertainty.
I can post Avi pictures in support of these girls and #BoobieWed, because it's one way for us to 'support' each other from afar. And let's face it, in situations like these, we all need a good support system. I can walk in the Relay for Life and Susan G Komen walks, I can donate money to breast cancer awareness and research, I can use my story to convince other women that early detection is KEY. But most importantly, I can pray and know that God can and WILL be carrying my friends through these "special missions" in their lives.
Allie posted this picture on her blog.... and I think it COMPLETELY sums up how most every single person on one of these 'special missions' feels....
The sign says....'I don't want to have to be tough and brave and inspiring. I don't want this to be my life. But I sure don't want it to be someone else's life, either.'