Today was the first day since my surgery that I broke down. I've been crying the better part of the afternoon.
I really try to not look at my chest too much right now, I know this is just a means to the end....BUT what's there is NOT mine.
I'm angry.
I'm angry that at 28, I feel like MY body has been stripped away.
Actually, it's not that I feel it has....it ACTUALLY has!
In a 14 month time period, I've lost my reproductive organs and now my breast.
I continue to tell myself that it's ok, none of that defines who I am, but as a woman a little part of me has died.
We got the great news that NO chemo is needed at this point, and while that is TERRIFIC news, I still have several months of tissue expansion, and another surgery in my future. This ordeal is still so far from being over. And that is starting to wear on me mentally.
I hate being a 'complainer' but the truth is...I'm STILL so exhausted. Maybe some of that is all the medicine working it's way out of my system, some of it because I'm having such a hard time sleeping at night because of the drain tubes, and some of it the fact that I did just have a major surgery. Whatever the reason, I just hope the fatigue goes away sooner than later.
I think the biggest part of me that's having a hard time excepting it, is the part of me that I honestly thought this wouldn't be any worse than any of my other surgeries. Especially not any worse than my hysterectomy, or C-sections. I mean what could be worse than having your abdominal muscles cut in half? I know severing nerves and cutting your pectoral muscle apart is a BIG deal...and I'm glad I had 'convinced' myself this would be a walk in the park, because I had such a sense of peace and calm before I went into surgery. That in itself was a blessing. I just thought when I hit one week and I still was feeling pretty bad, that surely by the end of week two I'd feel more 'normal' than I do.
I know this 'let down' is me setting my expectations of myself too high...my doctors keep tell me I'm doing so well.
Apparently their idea of 'well' and mine are two totally different things.
Dad keeps telling me it's going to take time. Just take it one day at a time. That I had complications with the blood loss and that is playing into my healing as well as my diabetes.
I read on the breast cancer forum that so many women who have the tissue expanders put in following their mastectomies are on pain meds for several weeks, and I stopped taking them days ago. Not because the pain is gone, but because #1 I HATE the way they make me feel, and #2 I have kids I need to take care of. So, I know I'm doing ok in comparison.
I live my life with diabetes, I can handle functioning while not feeling normal, but this sense of helplessness because I can't lift things, get things out of my cabinets, I can't hug my children because of the pain, heck I can't even dry myself completely when I get out of the shower.
Accompany that with drain tubes hanging from my sides, nasty black bruises, and deformed breast and it's just too much for me today.
I'm just longing for the day that I actually feel normal again, and find some peace about the reality of my new body parts.
Friday, October 08, 2010
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Drain Tubes
SOOOO....I got two of my drain tubes out today, and the stitches by my armpit.
I had alittle LOT of anxiety before going to my appointment today because I heard from several people that the drain tube removal was one of the worst (most painful) parts of this whole thing. Mom reminded me yesterday to "take a pain pill" before I went.
It didn't help my anxiety that my appointment was at 10:15 and he didn't get back in the room until after 11. So, here I was sitting in the chair, with a floor to ceiling mirror right in front of me for what seemed like an abnormal amount of time. Starring at drain tubes hanging from your side is enough to gross out even the most strong-stomached. Dr F comes in and looks and pokes around and says everything is looking great, and that he needs to go get a suture kit to remove my stitches.
I held me breath when he started to pull the first drain tube out....fully anticipating to feel some kind of sharp pain in my chest. I felt nothing except for some skin stinging, which was not that bad, and it stopped as soon as he was done pulling the drain out. The worst part was actually seeing how long the tubes were once he got them both pulled out. He told me to expect some drainage out of the holes for 24-48 hours, and after that they would scab up.
Then he removed the other stitches (the ones by my arm pit), and I didn't feel those at all. I guess it's a good thing the skin is completely numb right now.
I have started to shed the top layers of skin around where the incisions were made, and while it looks kind of gross, some of the black bruising is starting to lighten up.
He said I am far enough out now that I can also start using Vitamin E Oil on the incisions and it will really help with the scarring, even though he said I scar 'nicely'. That sounded kind of funny to hear come out of a plastic surgeons mouth, but I guess it's true. My C-section, gall bladder, precious lumpectomy, and hysterectomy scars are all only noticeable if you stare with the intention of looking for them.
Next weeks appointment will consist of me getting my other two drain tubes out, and I'll get my first fill. Hopefully, that appointment will go as smooth as this one did, and the 'fill' will only cause minimal discomfort. The good thing I keep telling myself is....we're already at 360. We're already over half-way there in this process of stretching my pectoral muscles. If all goes as planned, I should be done with fills and will be ready for my exchange surgery in about 10 weeks. (which is coincidentally the week of Christmas, and is not ideal, but it will save us from having to meet another yearly deductible within the first couple weeks of January.)
After my appointment, Amanda, the girls and I went to Wal-Mart and I ordered Breanna's birthday cake. She's been three for a week now, and it still seems surreal to me that she's blessed our lives for that long. Maybe it's because she's the baby, and it makes me a little sad that she's THREE already!
I had a
It didn't help my anxiety that my appointment was at 10:15 and he didn't get back in the room until after 11. So, here I was sitting in the chair, with a floor to ceiling mirror right in front of me for what seemed like an abnormal amount of time. Starring at drain tubes hanging from your side is enough to gross out even the most strong-stomached. Dr F comes in and looks and pokes around and says everything is looking great, and that he needs to go get a suture kit to remove my stitches.
I held me breath when he started to pull the first drain tube out....fully anticipating to feel some kind of sharp pain in my chest. I felt nothing except for some skin stinging, which was not that bad, and it stopped as soon as he was done pulling the drain out. The worst part was actually seeing how long the tubes were once he got them both pulled out. He told me to expect some drainage out of the holes for 24-48 hours, and after that they would scab up.
Then he removed the other stitches (the ones by my arm pit), and I didn't feel those at all. I guess it's a good thing the skin is completely numb right now.
I have started to shed the top layers of skin around where the incisions were made, and while it looks kind of gross, some of the black bruising is starting to lighten up.
He said I am far enough out now that I can also start using Vitamin E Oil on the incisions and it will really help with the scarring, even though he said I scar 'nicely'. That sounded kind of funny to hear come out of a plastic surgeons mouth, but I guess it's true. My C-section, gall bladder, precious lumpectomy, and hysterectomy scars are all only noticeable if you stare with the intention of looking for them.
Next weeks appointment will consist of me getting my other two drain tubes out, and I'll get my first fill. Hopefully, that appointment will go as smooth as this one did, and the 'fill' will only cause minimal discomfort. The good thing I keep telling myself is....we're already at 360. We're already over half-way there in this process of stretching my pectoral muscles. If all goes as planned, I should be done with fills and will be ready for my exchange surgery in about 10 weeks. (which is coincidentally the week of Christmas, and is not ideal, but it will save us from having to meet another yearly deductible within the first couple weeks of January.)
After my appointment, Amanda, the girls and I went to Wal-Mart and I ordered Breanna's birthday cake. She's been three for a week now, and it still seems surreal to me that she's blessed our lives for that long. Maybe it's because she's the baby, and it makes me a little sad that she's THREE already!
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
One day at a time
Hi guys!
I know I'm not doing a good job of keeping my blog updated...I just literally have very little energy. What I do have goes to doctor appointments and spending time with my family. Not that you all aren't important, but I know you know where my priorities lie.
I thank you for that!
Today, is the first day that I don't feel like I got ran over by a truck. :)
Dad keeps telling me, "It's just going to take one day at a time." I know that's true. It's just hard to keep in perspective when you are a type A personality and so much of your independence has been stripped away.
(remember me telling you guys I drove the other day? yeah, well, I hurt so bad that evening, that I WON'T be doing that again anytime soon. At least not until I have more range of motion back!)
At least I tried it, and did it! And I realized for myself that it wasn't a good idea.
I am by myself with the kids this week except for when I have appointments and someone has to drive me to them. I don't have to be...I have plenty of people still offering help, but to be honest, it's kind of nice to have time with the kids by myself. They are such big helpers that the house really doesn't look that bad. Amanda came yesterday and helped me grocery shop. She offered to just go and get what I needed, but it was nice to get out of the house and walk around (even though I was completely wore out by time we got done.) She'll be back on Thursday to take me to my doctor's appointment, and to do some of the heavier house cleaning that needs done. Have I mentioned just how thankful I am to have her as a friend?! BECAUSE I AM!!! Everyone should be so lucky to have such great people in their lives.
I got a handful of cards in the mail today too. It's amazing how reading people's well wishes and having them tell you how much they admire where you are in your life is such a big 'pick me up'. Angie, thank you so much for that sweet note and the 'Fight Like a Girl' T-shirt. I was moved to tears. You are too sweet to me!
I've started having some 'getting popped with a rubber band' sensations in my armpits. Although it is quite uncomfortable, this is a good thing as it means the nerves are trying to work again. Hopefully, they will and I will regain some feeling in the skin on my chest. It's really quite odd to rub your skin and not feel it!
Thursday, I am supposed to get two of my drain tubes removed. I'd appreciate you keeping me in your prayers that day...I'm pretty nervous about it. (I've heard it's a rather painful experience.)
Also on Thursday, my good friend Kristin is having surgery on her wrist. I know she'd appreciate you all sending prayers her way!
I'm a little sad that tomorrow is Ava's first field trip and I'm not able to go with her. Kinsey's first field trip for second grade was last week and I had to miss it as well. It's just emotionally hard for me to miss these things in their lives that I can never get back. I know in the grand scheme of things, I'm here...I'm alive (the outcome of this situation could have turned out so differently) and that in itself is something to be SO thankful for, but as a mom, whose life is my kids, it's hard to miss out of things that I would have normally been present for because of this situation. I'm sure some of you out there can relate!
Well, Breanna needs some juice, so I'm signing off to go sit in the recliner and watch cartoons with her until my big ones get home from school! Hope you all are having a terrific week!!!
I know I'm not doing a good job of keeping my blog updated...I just literally have very little energy. What I do have goes to doctor appointments and spending time with my family. Not that you all aren't important, but I know you know where my priorities lie.
I thank you for that!
Today, is the first day that I don't feel like I got ran over by a truck. :)
Dad keeps telling me, "It's just going to take one day at a time." I know that's true. It's just hard to keep in perspective when you are a type A personality and so much of your independence has been stripped away.
(remember me telling you guys I drove the other day? yeah, well, I hurt so bad that evening, that I WON'T be doing that again anytime soon. At least not until I have more range of motion back!)
At least I tried it, and did it! And I realized for myself that it wasn't a good idea.
I am by myself with the kids this week except for when I have appointments and someone has to drive me to them. I don't have to be...I have plenty of people still offering help, but to be honest, it's kind of nice to have time with the kids by myself. They are such big helpers that the house really doesn't look that bad. Amanda came yesterday and helped me grocery shop. She offered to just go and get what I needed, but it was nice to get out of the house and walk around (even though I was completely wore out by time we got done.) She'll be back on Thursday to take me to my doctor's appointment, and to do some of the heavier house cleaning that needs done. Have I mentioned just how thankful I am to have her as a friend?! BECAUSE I AM!!! Everyone should be so lucky to have such great people in their lives.
I got a handful of cards in the mail today too. It's amazing how reading people's well wishes and having them tell you how much they admire where you are in your life is such a big 'pick me up'. Angie, thank you so much for that sweet note and the 'Fight Like a Girl' T-shirt. I was moved to tears. You are too sweet to me!
I've started having some 'getting popped with a rubber band' sensations in my armpits. Although it is quite uncomfortable, this is a good thing as it means the nerves are trying to work again. Hopefully, they will and I will regain some feeling in the skin on my chest. It's really quite odd to rub your skin and not feel it!
Thursday, I am supposed to get two of my drain tubes removed. I'd appreciate you keeping me in your prayers that day...I'm pretty nervous about it. (I've heard it's a rather painful experience.)
Also on Thursday, my good friend Kristin is having surgery on her wrist. I know she'd appreciate you all sending prayers her way!
I'm a little sad that tomorrow is Ava's first field trip and I'm not able to go with her. Kinsey's first field trip for second grade was last week and I had to miss it as well. It's just emotionally hard for me to miss these things in their lives that I can never get back. I know in the grand scheme of things, I'm here...I'm alive (the outcome of this situation could have turned out so differently) and that in itself is something to be SO thankful for, but as a mom, whose life is my kids, it's hard to miss out of things that I would have normally been present for because of this situation. I'm sure some of you out there can relate!
Well, Breanna needs some juice, so I'm signing off to go sit in the recliner and watch cartoons with her until my big ones get home from school! Hope you all are having a terrific week!!!
Sunday, October 03, 2010
I DROVE!!!
Dr F said sometime around two weeks is when most people feel up to driving a few miles.
Yesterday was Day 9 post-op, and I was hungry and needed to take my antibiotics (which have to be taken with food!) and since it's been almost two weeks since I've been to the grocery store, we're out of most everything that can just be thrown together without much effort.
I tried waking my zombie husband up three times with no avail, so I decided it was time I attempted to drive a mile up the road to run through the drive-thru.
Honestly, the hardest part was fastening my seatbelt, and reaching up to push the garage door opener.
But...I did it!!!
BABY STEPS!
It's funny the things that excite you...things that are normal, everyday, mundane things, but you take for granted being able to do them.
It's like getting a small piece of your independence back!
Yesterday was Day 9 post-op, and I was hungry and needed to take my antibiotics (which have to be taken with food!) and since it's been almost two weeks since I've been to the grocery store, we're out of most everything that can just be thrown together without much effort.
I tried waking my zombie husband up three times with no avail, so I decided it was time I attempted to drive a mile up the road to run through the drive-thru.
Honestly, the hardest part was fastening my seatbelt, and reaching up to push the garage door opener.
But...I did it!!!
BABY STEPS!
It's funny the things that excite you...things that are normal, everyday, mundane things, but you take for granted being able to do them.
It's like getting a small piece of your independence back!
Saturday, October 02, 2010
What's happening
Thought I'd pop in and update those of you that follow along with the happenings of our family because you love us so abundantly and are praying for us during this extremely difficult time in our lives (we love, appreciate, and thank God daily for you too!)
Sunday, I got to come home from the hospital. I was SO ready to see my kiddos. I went to the hospital the day of surgery fully anticipating NO complications. I expected the pain to be minimal just like all my previous surgeries. I mean, I had a hysterectomy last summer and was sitting up in the bed Indian style within a few hours of being out of surgery. What I hadn't thought about in regards to that was that with my hysterectomy, I had a spinal and didn't feel anything for almost 24 hours post-op.
Since this surgery was above the waist...it was alittle lot different. The surgery took an hour and a half longer than they had originally anticipated, I lost A LOT of blood, and the original pain pump I was on caused me to itch so ridiculously that I was constantly moving my arms to try and scratch myself. Not a good thing when you have just had a major operation on your chest which consisted of your pectoral muscles being cut. Thank goodness for my awesome husband who I woke up every 30 minutes to sit me up and scratch all the places I couldn't reach. I know he has been miserable from lack of sleep but he has been such a trooper. Once they switched the pain pump, I was a lot more comfortable.
I have to throw in that I have the BEST friends and neighbors. When I got home from the hospital Evan helped me shower. It was kind of funny because before surgery we had a discussion about how I would wash my hair after surgery because I wouldn't be able to lift my arms high enough to wash it myself. I told her, I guess Chris will just have to get it the shower with me and wash it. She said, 'Casondra, I love you, but I'm not getting in the shower with you to wash your hair.' Well, she didn't get in the shower with me, but she stood outside of it, and reached in and washed my hair. Then she moused it. It's amazing how being clean, and having your hair fixed can just make you feel better! Two of our neighbors, Steve and Garry, had came and mowed our yard for us so that Chris wouldn't have to worry about it. Amanda spent the night with me and we had a movie night one evening this week, and the next day she cleaned and vacuumed my house. Mom, grandma, Kamie, Megan, and Roxann have kept up with all our laundry, made beds, and kept the house straightened up. I'm just so thankful for the amazing people we have in our lives that have helped us so much over the past week. It's made this process so much easier, and gave me time to rest and focus on healing instead of worrying about all the everyday, mundane things that need to be done...that if they wouldn't have got done, I would have been tempted to get up and do, despite feeling like I've been run over by a truck!
Wednesday, Kinsey got her braces off and I know I am biased but I think she looks just beautiful!
Sunday, I got to come home from the hospital. I was SO ready to see my kiddos. I went to the hospital the day of surgery fully anticipating NO complications. I expected the pain to be minimal just like all my previous surgeries. I mean, I had a hysterectomy last summer and was sitting up in the bed Indian style within a few hours of being out of surgery. What I hadn't thought about in regards to that was that with my hysterectomy, I had a spinal and didn't feel anything for almost 24 hours post-op.
Since this surgery was above the waist...it was a
I have to throw in that I have the BEST friends and neighbors. When I got home from the hospital Evan helped me shower. It was kind of funny because before surgery we had a discussion about how I would wash my hair after surgery because I wouldn't be able to lift my arms high enough to wash it myself. I told her, I guess Chris will just have to get it the shower with me and wash it. She said, 'Casondra, I love you, but I'm not getting in the shower with you to wash your hair.' Well, she didn't get in the shower with me, but she stood outside of it, and reached in and washed my hair. Then she moused it. It's amazing how being clean, and having your hair fixed can just make you feel better! Two of our neighbors, Steve and Garry, had came and mowed our yard for us so that Chris wouldn't have to worry about it. Amanda spent the night with me and we had a movie night one evening this week, and the next day she cleaned and vacuumed my house. Mom, grandma, Kamie, Megan, and Roxann have kept up with all our laundry, made beds, and kept the house straightened up. I'm just so thankful for the amazing people we have in our lives that have helped us so much over the past week. It's made this process so much easier, and gave me time to rest and focus on healing instead of worrying about all the everyday, mundane things that need to be done...that if they wouldn't have got done, I would have been tempted to get up and do, despite feeling like I've been run over by a truck!
Wednesday, Kinsey got her braces off and I know I am biased but I think she looks just beautiful!
She picked out the color for her retainer...it will be neon blue (it glows in the dark) with 'Pixie Dust'. She gets it on October 11.
Thursday, I had an appointment with my Dr. F and he said he was really pleased with how everything looked with the nipples, so blood flow is sufficient to sustain them. Two of the four drain tubes will come out next week, and then as long as the drainage is down to a minimal amount the other two drain tubes will be able to come out the following week. The stitches by my armpit will get taken out next Thursday, as well. I'm so ready to get them out and start my range of motion exercises. You take for granted how much you use your arms until you can't really use them.
Thursday was also Breanna's 3rd Birthday! It seems surreal to me that she is THREE already. I mean, where did the time go?
Also on Thursday, I spoke with a nurse from the oncology department and found out that the pathology report came back and NO CHEMO is needed! Talk about a good day!
Yesterday, I saw Dr Marcus, and he said I'm still anemic. If I'm not feeling more energetic by next week, we are looking to repeat bloodwork and possibly get another transfusion. Praying this doesn't need to happen. My arms need a break from being poked and prodded. We also discussed future monitoring since there is still a minimal amount of tissue, pectoral muscle and skin. I'll be going back in three months for a check-up, and as long as everything looks good there, they will be every six months for a couple years. Close monitoring is so much better than the chemo option. Now I can focus on just healing, and getting to the exchange without worrying about being really sick on top of it all. YAY!!!
Yesterday was also the first day that I was able to shower completely on my own. I even wore 'normal' clothes. With a shirt I pulled over my head and not one that I stepped into or buttoned up. Baby steps! lol
I spent the entire afternoon sitting outside on the patio...watching the little girls play outside. It was so beautiful out there. I even got a little bit of a sunburn on my face. Chris was laughing last night at dinner because I have the whole 'white circles around my eyes where my sunglasses were' look going on.
Mom graciously kept the two bigger girls last night (Chris, Breanna, and I went out to eat!), and is taking them to my brothers band competition today. Hopefully, the rain holds off! She is coming to get Breanna after the competition and will keep all three girls tonight, so that Chris and I can have a night to ourselves. Those are few and far between so I cherish them!
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