Thursday, March 31, 2011

Those things that touch the very depths of your soul

When I started blogging, it was to keep a few out-of-town family members up to-date on our lives.  I had been keeping Breanna's Caringbridge site updated but I wanted to be able to incorporate other family doing's in with it, but didn't want to do it on the CaringBridge site.  So alas, motherofamiraclebaby.blogspot was formed.  For the first two years the post were very sporadic.  I'd post 2 or 3 times, here and there, and then forget about the blog for months until someone would say, 'You haven't posted anything in a while, what's going on with you all?'

Sure there were stories about Breanna's appointments, but no one really saw me in my life.  I was in the role of caregiver, but I wasn't transparent within that role.  Maybe because I didn't want anyone outside of those who I talk to, to see a me that struggled to handle any situation.

But I even though I wasn't handling every situation with grace, I wanted to put up the facade that I was.

There were many instances that I knew God was putting in front of me to help me grow as a person, and to grow in my faith, but they challenges were hard.  And often times, I fell short.

Yet in my mind, pretending to be this 'great, wonderful, nice' person was so much easier than letting people see the me that falls short.

When I found the first tumor, and started blogging about that journey as a form of therapy for myself (back at a time when my blog readers were very few and far between, and only people who really cared about our lives), I opened up and wrote about my fears and my faith...I guess you could say I opened myself up to a place where people could see past the exterior of what I let most people see.  People I didn't even know started emailing me their stories, and telling me how much my story and strength touched them.  Trust me, that was never the try and 'touch' other people. 

Going through what I was going through and simply working through those emotions in a way that was healthy, and that had the least amount of impact on my children was my only goal in it all.

Some days I hid behind a while Breanna was napping and the big kids were at school was, in itself, a tremendous form of therapy for me.  It was my quiet time, my time with God, my time to make these meals that would ultimately benefit my family, and quite frankly, the process of cooking and taking pictures while doing it, kept my mind off of reality for a little while.  And who doesn't love a quick recipe?!  I know I sure do.

As time went on, and my blog followers grew and blog hits increasing, a part of me wanted to shut it down.  I didn't want all these people I didn't really know (and some I do know) to see my pain.  Yet at the same time, reading other people's blog who had went through similar situations was one of the most comforting things to me.  After talking to several of my friends, and their encouragement to keep it going because it could be helping someone else, I decided to keep pushing along with it. And really allowing people to see the truth behind what it feels like to walk this walk.

But I have to admit, at times, it's hard to go back and read where I was four months ago.  Those feelings come flooding back and it feels like I'm there all over again.

However, the friendships that have been developed (even if they are only through the computer), and the people that I know IRL that have sent me messages over something that resonated with them, has been a bigger blessing in my life than I could have ever imagined.

I'm blown away by the fact that people are just so kind hearted sometimes. 

I'm blessed in many areas of my life, and this blog, this piece of modern technology, has only added to those blessings.  This whole experience has touched the very depths of my soul.

Thank you all for taking my heart and my words into your hearts, and for loving me so completely!

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