So, the nurse practioner comes in, as she always does before we meet with the pediatric developmental specialist, and says she sees that I am concerned about the fact that Breanna has lost a pound in the past month. I said, 'Yes, I just don't understand it, considering the amount of whole milk and food she eats." I went on to ask her, if this was something caused by her metabolic rate, heart condition, etc. She said, "She didn't believe so, and that she was very concerned about it as well." She checked her over, told me Breanna is weight wise only at the percentage a 7 month old should be, and the height of a 9-10 month old. She, again, said she was very worried about this and would be back in a few minutes with the specialist to discuss what they think the 'problem' could be. At this point, my mind is racing. Why didn't she just tell me what she thinks is wrong?
The next five minutes seemed like an hour.
The doctor came in and said, "A dietician will be in shortly to discuss 'meal planning' with you." My heart sank...everything blurred. I knew what she was about to say..........LORD, NO....please no...don't let the words I think I am about to hear come out of Dr. Lytle's mouth. How can my baby have diabetes? Why? Hasn't she been through enough? "with her A1C coming back a little high, her rapid weight lost, increased appetite, excessive drinking and urinating, we believe Breanna is diabetic." I was screaming inside my head!
I lost it! I mean, completely, lost it. Dr. Lytle was trying so hard to be comforting...but the fact of the matter is unless you live with the disease, you can not understand how it makes you feel. You don't truly understand the impact it has, the changes in your life you have to make. The hassle of checking your sugar, of giving yourself insulin injections.
I gathered myself enough to ask her, "Where do we go from here?" Well, we need to start with checking her glucose level in the mornings and after meals, so that we can get an average to know what we are dealing with (her highs and lows) to determine treatment. She said, "Kids who are diagnosed early on have a much easier time of dealing with the disease, because they don't know life to be any different. Living this is their way of life." However true that may be, it still wasn't comforting to my heart.
The appointment lasted a while longer, and we discussed alot of things that I already know from dealing with my own diabetes, but didn't know if they would be different because of her being an infant. I met with the pediatric dietician to discuss meal planning for her. It is a little different than mine, but not alot, so that is good. As a family, we all overall eat healthy because of me having diabetes.
I left the appointment with ALOT...and I mean alot...of mixed emotions. I was so angry. I spent half the car ride home, sobbing, yelling at God. She has been through so much already, and just when we thought things were going in our favor with her health....BAM....this gets thrown at us. WHY?!?!?!?!?!
About halfway home, a peace came over me. My child...you ARE prepared to deal with this. I HAVE given you the strength and knowledge to deal with this, and will continue to do so. Trust in me.
YES..God, you are right! I have already been here once before. I truly believe with all my heart, that my onset of diabetes as a young adult has made me prepared and able to take care of this beautiful child. A child who can not speak and tell me when she is feeling bad. This child who I have learned to read all so well. Dealing with my disease, learning about it inside and out, knowing the 'warning' signs has prepared me to take care of her. To be able to spot her 'warning' signs. To know when she doesn't feel well. To know how to care for her.
Last night, as I laid in bed praying...praising God for all the wonderful things he has given me, instead of questioning all the bad...I remembered a passage I heard a sermon on back when I was younger about Jesus healing a man who was born blind. The passage is John 9:1-5
blind from birth. His disciples
asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this
man or his parents, that he was born blind."
"Neither this man nor his parents
sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened
so that the work of God might be displayed
in his life. As long as it is day,
we must do the work of him who sent
me. Night is coming, when no one can
work. While I am in the world, I am the
light of the world."
The rest of John 9 goes on to talk about how Jesus spit on the ground and made mud to put on this man's eyes. And when he came home from the Pool of Siloam able to see, his neighbors did not believe it was him. They thought he was a man who just looked like him. He told them he was indeed himself, and what Jesus had done to heal him.
The devotional that goes along with this particular scripture talks about broken, shattered glass.
It says, "Shattered glass is full of a thousand different angles, each one able to pick up a ray of light and shoot it off in a thousand directions. That doesn't happen with plain glass, such as a jar. The glass must be broken into many pieces.
What's true of shattered glass is true of a broken life. Shattered dreams. A heart full of fissures. Hopes that are splintered. A life in pieces that appears to be ruined. But given time and prayer, such a person's life can shine more brightly than if the brokenness had never happened. When the light of the Lord Jesus falls upon a shattered life, that believer's hopes can be brightened.
Only our great God can reach down into what otherwise would be brokeness and produce something beautiful. With him, nothing is wasted. Every broken dream and heart that hurts can be redeemed by his loving, warm touch. Your life may be shattered by sorrow, pain, or sin, but God has in mind a kaleidoscope through which his light can shine more brilliantly."
Psalm 34:18 also talks about this.
and saves those who are crushed
And Psalm 51:17
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
As I pray about the situation before me, I can not help but think of my dear, sweet friend Chelsa who just a month ago lost her precious baby Andon. And Christine and Ryan Maglinger, another Riley's family from Evansville, who lost their precious baby Sadie when she was 4 months old. And all the other mothers out there whose precious little ones are sitting at the feet of our LORD, rejoicing. And all the other mothers who have sick children, who want so desperately to be able to take away their child(ren)'s pain. To protect them. Who hurt because they know it is out of their hands, and that the only thing they can do is give it to God.
Please, when you pray for our family today, pray for all those other mothers and father as well.