It's Not Always Black and White

Yesterday I had the privilege of spending a few hours with my sister-in-law, nephew, and niece. Life discussions with Mindy are always good for my soul, because she is just one of the most level-headed, say-it-like-she-sees-it kind of people I've ever met.

One of the things I've realized over the last few weeks (and after several talks with different people I love very much including the one I had with Mindy) is that in my reluctance to share the bad that was happening in my life, I've also excluded so many people from knowing and truly understanding the good, and they are struggling with it.

A couple weeks ago, my soon-to-be nephew posted a question on Faceb**k questioning people's decisions to stay in or go back to what most would consider and judge to be a 'black and white' situation. In short, I tried to explain to him that decisions regarding someone you love and are in a relationship with may not always be black and white.

I think it's easy to look at someone else's circumstances and think, or even say aloud to someone else 'I can't believe they made this choice' or 'This person did x, y, z, and those were horrible decisions'. But the truth is, no one can say exactly what they would do in your circumstance unless they've lived the exact life you have.

For so long I was as guilty as the next person for having these exact same thoughts. It wasn't until I found myself at a crossroad - that I had been so sure of what I'd do if I ever was there - that I realized there are situations/circumstances/factual details that have the ability to alter your views. Looking in from the outside, things may seem black and white, or as some like to say 'wrong is wrong', but I know that is simply not the case.

Six months ago, my life changed when Bill made the almost 10 hour drive to come to Tampa and support me while I walked 60 miles in support of breast cancer. He was a chauffeur from the airport to dinner with Gloria and Taylor, he was a cheerleader out on route, he was by my side when I got the phone call telling me that a mass had been found in my stepmom's kidney, and he was waiting for me - at the finish line. As I walked hand-in-hand with Gloria into closing, we passed a man who has been my friend during some of the darkest hours of my life this past year. A man who, earlier that month had flown to Indiana to be my support when I was staring at another cancer diagnosis, and refused to let me face it alone. A man who would walk through fire to make sure I am safe and happy and know that I am loved. Gloria waved and smiled at Bill, put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed me tight. She looked me in the eyes and said, 'That man is a good man, and it speaks volumes that he is here to support you right now. The road ahead may not be easy, but don't let him go. He loves you, and anyone who is around him for more than two minutes can see it.' Thank you, Gloria, for your words. They changed my life.

Everyone who knows me, knows that my life was a little crazy at that given moment. I had just moved out of my house, and I was coming home to have two surgeries. I was living in a 'gray zone', and to say it was not ideal timing to be navigating a newish - long distance - relationship would be a major understatement, but we both knew how much we valued each other.

This road hasn't been easy, we've had to endure some bumpy, weathered places in the road, and we learned early on that it really is 'us against the world' but Bill has renewed my faith in having a relationship in which I KNOW my happiness and well being actually matter. To put it simply, 'he is everything I never knew I needed in a life partner', and there is not a day of my life that goes by that I don't know how incredibly lucky we are that our paths crossed.

With that being said, had someone told me last summer that I'd date and marry him, I would've told them that they were crazy, and that it'd never happen because of how our paths crossed.

It wasn't until I was actually standing at that crossroad that I realized things aren't always as easy or clear cut as they seem. Sometimes there are many factors involved that those looking in will never see or understand, and they will judge you based off their assumptions. For me, discussing the good has been as limited as admitting the not-so-good, so I've heard a lot of assumptions that are just that 'assumptions'. Here is what I want to say, the good really is great now, and I would've never been this happy if I didn't chose gray.

Lucky One

Is this really my life?!

I'm still pinching myself.

DAILY!!!

The announcement came yesterday - but the engagement, well, lets just say we took a minute to enjoy it.

And I am STILL reeling in the disbelief and excitement that this amazing man chose us to spend his life with.

This man has seen me cry, yell, laugh, love, sing, sneeze, puke - he's witnessed it all.

He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly and he never judges.

He just loves me without fail.

And always, ALWAYS has my back.

He's patient, kind, thoughtful, funny, extremely intelligent, and....he's really hot!

And he's mine.

He chose me.

I'm the lucky girl that gets to sit across from him at dinner and watch his face light up with the most amazing smile when he looks at me.

The one that he wants to take cruisin' in the '57.

The one who rarely goes a day without hearing the words 'You are beautiful'.

The one who he not only loves, but actually likes. For me. Quirks and all. And he doesn't want to change me.

The one he forgives and apologizes to.

The one whose forehead he kisses when we are standing in line at the grocery store, and whose hand he holds when we are walking beside each other.

The one whose girls he adores.

The one who he thinks he is lucky to have, and whose happiness is a priority to him.

The one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I could go on and on about this man that I love, but y'all are probably already about to vomit over my mushiness.

I'll sum it up by saying...

I AM THE LUCKY ONE!

Turning the Page

I was talking to a good friend last night and she informed me that she had to 'quit reading my posts because they make her cry.'  I'm sorry ahead of time for that, V.

I haven't blogged in a very long time, and the biggest reason why was because this post has been what I needed to say, and I just simply wasn't ready to admit that I was living a lie.

Well, not really a lie.  More like an incomplete reality.

I read a post the other day titled 'Stop Lying on Facebook', and it really hit home with me.  The writer talked about people only put the good parts of their life out there for people to see....when in reality, there is so much chaos mixed in that you choose to not let people see.

I realized that for the past few years, I've been okay with people seeing the good, fun, happy times inside my household, but I wasn't okay with people (outside my inner most circle) seeing the whole 'real' truth.

I was embarrassed, and afraid of the judgement that people, my friends, would pass, if they really knew what was happening behind the closed doors of my home.  It was a far cry from the happy, loving picture that I spent so much time painting.  And I was more concerned with judgements than anything else.

It's taken me a long time to realize that what other people think of me is not my business, and it should have no affect on my happiness.

I've spent my entire life admiring my grandparents marriage.  In three months, they will be celebrating 50 years of marriage.  They've endured their fair share of trials, and even in moments when I saw them at their wits end with each other, I never doubted their love for one another.  Realizing that my own marriage was headed for failure, I couldn't help but wonder what I was doing so wrong.  Why was I failing so miserably in the area of my life that I was trying so hard to hang on to?  And why could I not admit how bad things really were?  It was a heartbreaking reality, to say the least.

I think the second question boils down to some advice that my wise grandfather gave me once.... Keep your relationships private.  Build your spouse up to others instead of tearing them down, because others don't forgive your spouse the way you do.  So, that's what I did.  And I just happened to be in a situation where in order to do that, I wasn't honest with the people who had become invested in our lives via this blog, Facebook, Twitter.

Keeping it a secret wasn't the problem - I had become a master of disguise.  My problem was staying in an environment that wasn't healthy for me, or my children.  My problem was I was setting an example for my daughters that it is okay to live that way, and that it is okay to stay regardless of how harmful a situation is to your well being.

There are times in life when you have to take a step back, let reality sink in, and figure out how to remedy a situation.  Unfortunately, sometimes people feel justified to cast jugdgement on your decisions despite never having been faced with a similar situation.  And sometimes they are based solely on information you gave them that lead to them having an inaccurate vision of what your life really was.

There are so many stories (truths) I could tell all of you about what was going in my house, but this is what I continue to know.... Those dirty details.... the shortcomings, hard realities of abuse, they would, undoubtedly, leave all of you saying 'I had NO idea', 'You didn't deserve that', etc. - basically, opening a door for you all to feel sympathy towards the situation - and they are simply NO ONE'S business.  I don't want or need anyone's sympathy, or negative thoughts regarding any of the parties involved.  It's unwarranted and unwelcome.

The only thing that anyone needs to know is that a chapter of my life closed (and when it did...I did not announce it), and another one opened, and the girls and I are happy.  If you follow me on Facebook, you've been along for the ride through my photos, even though most of you were unaware you witnessed the closing of the chapter until you realized a new one had opened, and that's ok.

I'm happy and proud of where I've ended up after the past six years of my life - having control of my life back.  I want to clarify, I'm sorry that my happiness came at the expense of someone else's heartbreak.  I'm not going to give crappy excuses as to the how's and why's .... they are and should be irrelevant to everyone except the people directly involved. But I am sorry.

What I am going to say is this...the chapter of my life that is currently being written, is being written with a pen that I am in control of, and if you choose to stay along for the ride, you will see where my story takes me.

Growing

It's almost here!  In one week and one day I'll be on a plane, with Tonya, Tampa bound.

My excitement is about ready to bust at the seams.

As excited as I was last year, I was also extremely nervous because I didn't know what to expect.  Did I pack everything I should have?  Was I going to actually be able to do it?  What was my mindset going to be knowing it was me saying good-bye to one of the hardest years of my life, and doing it to honor Steph.

It was truly, TRULY amazing.  More than I did or even could have anticipated.

And this year....I'm just EXCITED!!!

I'm excited to see Tonya and George.  I'm excited we will be walking with Gloria (a fellow bc survivor who is currently in treatment again - please send some prayers up for her) and her daughter. I'm excited to see, what I've heard are, beautiful views.  And I'm excited that part of my real life support system will actually be there.

My heart is overflowing as I re-read that last sentence, because I know how bittersweet it really is.

These past few months have been a whirlwind.... And my life has changed/is changing in so many ways.

I've been reminded time and time again how lucky I am to have made such strong friendships with some of the people I met last year in Atlanta.  The only 'team' there is amongst the 3 Day tweeps is TEAM PINK!!! And that is EXACTLY how it should be.  Personal lives should never be used to try and distract from that.

I've learned that taking the high road is the best thing you could ever do, no matter how someone else perceives it.  And sometimes, it's hard and extremely difficult, but it does not mean you're hiding anything....it just means you realize it is THE RIGHT thing to do.

I've come to realize that I would do nothing short of walking through fire to stand up for and protect the people I love.  And unfortunately, sometimes, that includes heartache and taking personal criticism and judgement from others, but at the end of the day, I know where my heart is and it's filled with nothing but good intentions.

I realize more and more how incredibly blessed I am to have such amazing friends who would, who have, and who are going to do the same for me as I come home and put on my fighting gloves once again.  Their strength surrounds me in my times of weakness, and they are always there to pick me up, carry me, and on occasion, give me the shove that I need to keep pushing forward.

I've learned that a simple 'I support you' has the ability to change EVERYTHING!

And lastly, I've come to realize that even though life has a way of trying to knock you down and scary situations once again arise,  joy and happiness will ALWAYS prevail, if you let them.

This journey started because of cancer, but it will never end because of it.

2 years - Thank you, Cancer

Thursday marks 2 years since my breast cancer diagnosis!



As I sat last night thinking about everything that has happened in my life in the last 24 months, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.



I know 'Survivors' who still have a hard time on their diagnosis anniversary (and I get that!), but I can't help thinking about the good that has happened in my life as a direct result of it.



- I know that all the women I love remember to do their monthly checks and get their mammograms.



- I wake up every day with an appreciation for the life I have. It's the everyday things that I used to take for granted that I now have the ability to step back and really thank God for.



- My relationships with my family and friends are so much stronger. I realized how important it is to tell them how much they mean to me.



- My faith is stronger than it's ever been. I've really dug into scripture over the past year.



- I'm involved with the American Cancer Society and the Susan G Komen 3 Day now. I've spoken at meetings and been a flag carrier in Survivor's circle.



- I've met, friended, and became part of an amazing online community on Twitter known as the 3 Day Tweep. I've never met a more incredible group of people.


- One of those girls (Tonya) has become one of my closest friends. Even though we live several hours apart, we talk all the time.



- I've also met an amazing group of my girls in my town who have decided to participate in the Chicago 3 Day this year. Elizabeth and Jen are fellow survivors. I know I am blessed to call these incredible women (Brooke, Emily, Elizabeth, and Jen) my friends.

So, as I reflect back, I'm proud to say I kicked cancer's ass, and I am also incredibly thankful for all it brought to my life in the process.