Thursday, March 14, 2013

Turning the Page

I was talking to a good friend last night and she informed me that she had to 'quit reading my posts because they make her cry.'  I'm sorry ahead of time for that, V.

I haven't blogged in a very long time, and the biggest reason why was because this post has been what I needed to say, and I just simply wasn't ready to admit that I was living a lie.

Well, not really a lie.  More like an incomplete reality.

I read a post the other day titled 'Stop Lying on Facebook', and it really hit home with me.  The writer talked about people only put the good parts of their life out there for people to see....when in reality, there is so much chaos mixed in that you choose to not let people see.

I realized that for the past few years, I've been okay with people seeing the good, fun, happy times inside my household, but I wasn't okay with people (outside my inner most circle) seeing the whole 'real' truth.

I was embarrassed, and afraid of the judgement that people, my friends, would pass, if they really knew what was happening behind the closed doors of my home.  It was a far cry from the happy, loving picture that I spent so much time painting.  And I was more concerned with judgements than anything else.

It's taken me a long time to realize that what other people think of me is not my business, and it should have no affect on my happiness.

I've spent my entire life admiring my grandparents marriage.  In three months, they will be celebrating 50 years of marriage.  They've endured their fair share of trials, and even in moments when I saw them at their wits end with each other, I never doubted their love for one another.  Realizing that my own marriage was headed for failure, I couldn't help but wonder what I was doing so wrong.  Why was I failing so miserably in the area of my life that I was trying so hard to hang on to?  And why could I not admit how bad things really were?  It was a heartbreaking reality, to say the least.

I think the second question boils down to some advice that my wise grandfather gave me once.... Keep your relationships private.  Build your spouse up to others instead of tearing them down, because others don't forgive your spouse the way you do.  So, that's what I did.  And I just happened to be in a situation where in order to do that, I wasn't honest with the people who had become invested in our lives via this blog, Facebook, Twitter.

Keeping it a secret wasn't the problem - I had become a master of disguise.  My problem was staying in an environment that wasn't healthy for me, or my children.  My problem was I was setting an example for my daughters that it is okay to live that way, and that it is okay to stay regardless of how harmful a situation is to your well being.

There are times in life when you have to take a step back, let reality sink in, and figure out how to remedy a situation.  Unfortunately, sometimes people feel justified to cast jugdgement on your decisions despite never having been faced with a similar situation.  And sometimes they are based solely on information you gave them that lead to them having an inaccurate vision of what your life really was.

There are so many stories (truths) I could tell all of you about what was going in my house, but this is what I continue to know.... Those dirty details.... the shortcomings, hard realities of abuse, they would, undoubtedly, leave all of you saying 'I had NO idea', 'You didn't deserve that', etc. - basically, opening a door for you all to feel sympathy towards the situation - and they are simply NO ONE'S business.  I don't want or need anyone's sympathy, or negative thoughts regarding any of the parties involved.  It's unwarranted and unwelcome.

The only thing that anyone needs to know is that a chapter of my life closed (and when it did...I did not announce it), and another one opened, and the girls and I are happy.  If you follow me on Facebook, you've been along for the ride through my photos, even though most of you were unaware you witnessed the closing of the chapter until you realized a new one had opened, and that's ok.

I'm happy and proud of where I've ended up after the past six years of my life - having control of my life back.  I want to clarify, I'm sorry that my happiness came at the expense of someone else's heartbreak.  I'm not going to give crappy excuses as to the how's and why's .... they are and should be irrelevant to everyone except the people directly involved. But I am sorry.

What I am going to say is this...the chapter of my life that is currently being written, is being written with a pen that I am in control of, and if you choose to stay along for the ride, you will see where my story takes me.

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