Where I'm Supposed to Be

So, I've been MIA the past few weeks.

Not because I haven't had anything to be thankful for, because trust me, I have.  But I've been in a darker place following this past surgery.  Thank goodness for phone calls and texting with Allie.  It's always comforting to hear, 'I understand exactly how you feel.'

Surgery always manages to stir up emotions that I try my hardest to keep at bay.  Probably because I have a lot of downtime to just think while I'm laying in bed.

As usual following surgery, I got a pretty nasty chest cold, and wasn't able to get into my doctor, so I went to the urgent clinic in our town.  I was warned that the attending doctor there is 'cold', but I didn't care...I just needed an antibiotic, and I could deal with 'cold' for a 10 minute appointment.  I needed to get some antibiotics in my system before hosting Kinsey's birthday party that night.

Since it was the first time I had ever been there, I had to fill out paperwork which included my medical history.

The doctor came in and starts looking through my paperwork.  He asks me to tell him a little bit about my experience with cancer, and as I'm going through it all, tears start streaming down his face.  He says to me, 'It's so hard to hear of that kind of struggle at your age.'  Then proceeds to feel around on my glands. 

I tried to 'cheer him up' by telling him about how great I'm doing now and how awesome my experience was on the 3-Day, but he didn't smile even a little.

As my appointment ended, we walked out into this common area, he turns to me and says, 'My wife died from breast cancer 15 years ago.  Keep doing what you're doing, brave girl, you can change the world.'

I barely made it to my car before the tears started flowing, but in the moment I knew, I was right where I was supposed to be.  That sweet doctor needed that release, and God put me there for that reason.

Later that day, Allie called me to tell me about a friend of ours who found out her cancer is back, and in her brain. 

And just a few hours later, I learned that my ex father-in-law had an accident and had to be life lined to a hospital in Indianapolis.

So, here I am, hosting six girls and a birthday party, and having to take breather breaks to go in the bathroom and just cry.  To say it was a rough day would be an understatement, but thankfully, because all the girls were here, they kept me occupied just enough that I kept it together for the most part.

I know He knew that'd be my day and He worked it out that way.

With the overload of things going on, Chris let my dad know.  So, I ended up getting a phone call from my step-mom half-way through the evening, letting me know she was coming up to be with me.  I soooo needed that.  After I got the girls down for the night, Roxann and I had a long talk about everything. 

I'm so emotionally invested in these wonderful people who've come into my life because of cancer, and even though I know God has a plan, it's so hard to not question that plan when those you love are suffering and dying from it. 

Why them and not me?

Survivor's guilt rearing it's ugly face!

Sometimes it's hard to comprehend that I'm right where He needs me to be, especially when they are not right where I think they should be.

The questions begin to flood my mind, and He always, ALWAYS meets me there.

Where does he meet us in our suffering?  What does the cross really mean?  What good is an escape route if it does not open until the end of time?

I know the cross does not promise to free us from pain and suffering...not at least any time in the present.  It, in fact, promises just the opposite.  The certainty of pain and suffering.

So where is my joy if my world (the one I'm so deeply in love with) is so immensely filled with suffering?  It's running straight through the heart of the pain and suffering.

My faith, at the very least, asks me to believe that the path to heaven runs through suffering.  Through the sorrow of this world, through that fog of doubt. My God is love.  And He is in control.

I know He brought me to this place in my life for a reason above it just being for a season.  I knew that the moment I stepped off that plane in Atlanta and was surrounded by people who 'get' where I am in my life. 

Standing in Survivor's Circle, embracing Allie, I knew I was where I'm supposed to be.

I came home, had surgery, went to that darker place...and it's been an eye opener in that I know not only am I supposed to be involved with the Susan G Komen foundation and bringing awareness to this disease, but I'm supposed to be doing something more.

When I had Kinsey, I gave up on college to get a job and support us.  Over the past few years, I've toyed with the idea of going back to school for something different, but the past few weeks Chris and I have been in a lot of discussion of me feeling like I'm supposed to further my education with Chemistry.  Now, the nearest major college is over an hour away, so I told him I was going to check into USI, and he suggested IU...since they are close to the same distance away.  I mentioned that I know they don't have an engineering program, but I looked at their program list anyway.  Low and behold, they have a program for Chemical Informatics. 

So....without further ado...guess who's going back to school?

And guess who in a few years will, hopefully, be working in a Lab or for a drug company (and hopefully focusing on cancer medications)?

This girl!

I really feel like everything in my life that has happened has guided me back to this place because this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing with it.

What Fills You With Gratitude?

Gratitude begins where entitlement ends.

WOW!!!....Could there be a more true statement?

A lot of my friends are writing out something that they are thankful for every day of this month.  The thing is, I look around at my life and have so much to be thankful for that I couldn't possibly write it all down in 30 days if I only mentioned one thing a day.

My life is blessed beyond measure, and I know I'm not entitled to any of it.

I'm definitely not entitled to the grace that God covers me in.

I'm not entitled to have my children.  So many people want and try for so long without success.  Heck had God not blessed me with Kinsey when he did, I would have waited to have kids.  Unbeknowst to me at the time, I would have to have a hysterectomy at the age of 27.  Every day I look at them, I'm thankful for His timing.

I'm not entitled to my house, or car, or any of my other world possessions, but God has blessed us with the means to comfortably provide for our family of six.

Good health insurance.  I think about this often and the fact that if the majority of people faced just one of the medical issues we've faced in the past 5 years, they'd have had to file bankruptcy, or relied on the graciousness of others to get them through.  We didn't.  And we don't take that lightly.

Amazing friends and family.  Even during our darkest hours of this past year, we were never alone.  My kids lives maintained normalcy because of everyone who stepped up to help with all the tasks that I could not physically do, so that what energy I did have, was spent focused on my involvement with my children.  My life may have felt like it was falling down around me, but my kids never knew it because so many people who love us, were here to help hold it up.  Not only was I not entitled to that, I look back and think to myself, 'What did I do to deserve to be loved THAT MUCH?'

I know I'm not entitled to my health...and one of the things that has resonated so much with me these past few months is that had it not been for the deterioration of it, my life would not be on the path it is on today.  I would have never met this online community of people that I have now had the opportunity to meet, and fall in love with.  I wouldn't continue to meet people that touch my life daily.  Cancer didn't just change the outward appearance of my body...it changed me.  It changed the compassion I have for other's, it changed my want to 'do something about it', it changed my fight and determination in life.  It has made me vulnerable past the point of comfortableness at times, it has broken my heart, and yet it has stripped away all the baggage.  There are no words to explain the amount of gratitude I feel for this season of my life.

What about all of you?....What makes your heart fill with gratitude???

Actions

For most people, I think, it takes a lifetime, if at all, to learn what's important. For us to learn empathy, or kindness, or pain, or to know what is merely annoying compared to what is truly difficult. For us to learn how to truly love. If we're lucky, and smart, we take those lessons and the experiences we extract them from and transform them into actions of our own.


This is EXACTLY what the world of a 3-Day is like.... people digging down deep and really, truly loving each other.  Standing up for those who are no longer with us, those who are being drug through the darkest hours of their lives right now, those who survived, and for a hope that tomorrow we will rid this world of such a terrible disease. 

I witnessed more compassion in a weekend than I had seen in my entire lifetime before those 3 days.

I witnessed the way the world should be....

The Road that Lead to Healing

I started out detailing my journey to the 3-Day for you all, but I scratched it and decided to tell you about how the 3-Day changed my life.

I know some of you are thinking, 'Really, how can your life change in 3 days?'

TRUST ME....IT CAN!!!!

In 3 days, you can go from finding a lump to hearing the words YOU HAVE CANCER! 

As most, if not all of you know, I was chosen to be one of 8 survivors to carry a flag into Survivor's Circle during both opening and closing ceremonies.

I didn't realize how profoundly that task would affect me.

I got to opening ceremonies and went to the wall that everyone signs with either a 'remembrance' or an 'in honor of' or just a 'good luck' tag.

Mine simply said, 'Love & Miss you Aunt Steph'.

It was the beginning of my journey into the 3-Day just like saying 'Goodbye' to her last year was the beginning of my year-long journey into treatment.

As I carried my flag on stage, held hands with fellow survivors and looked out into a crowd of my peers, I was overcome with raw emotions that left me in a state of reflection of the life I knew before cancer was a part of it.

I was in awe of the 2400 other walkers who came to this event with the attitude that 'a cancer patient can't quit treatment just because it hurts and I won't quit walking just because it hurts'.  The general population needs to take a few lessons on life from these selfless people.

Each painful step was a reflection of the physical pain I endured last year during the trunk procedure, the mastectomy, the fills, exchange procedure, physical therapy, and radiation. 

I learned a valuable lesson in that no matter how intense the pain gets, when you pass a cheering section (your support system)...the pain somehow, magically disappears for a little while.  You get a reality check in that you are never alone; there is always someone there who understands and will cheer you on when life gets tough.

We touched each arrow we passed along the route as a symbol to say, 'We're one step closer to a world without breast cancer.'

As I walked into Turner Field with my team...I can honestly say, I had the most magnificent, truly kind-hearted, and loving group of friends by my side that anyone could ever hope for.

Allie and I somehow limped into closing ceremonies holding each other up, and the minute the walkers took off their shoes to salute the survivors....the pain vanished. 

We carried our flags into Survivors Circle one last time, and as the Victory Flag 'A World Without Breast Cancer' was raised, we looked at each other through tears and Allie shook her head to say, 'We Did It!'

And in that moment, I felt a sense of peace like I haven't felt in the entire past year of my life.  I knew I was exactly where God had intended me to be!

You can view the rest of my photo album here:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2293634133588.2122378.1031088129&type=1&l=e6fde7100b

Sunday Letters

Dear Big A,

I've been emotional this week while thinking about writing this post. Almost four years ago you asked me a difficult question. It was just a simple question to you but it was one that made me question where I stood as your step-mom, and the lengths I'd go through for you to make sure you ALWAYS know you are loved the same as your sisters. When I married your daddy I didn't just promise to love him forever.... I promised to love and honor my commitment as a parent figure in your life too. I hope you always know that your opinion of my involvement in your life, and your expectations of me matter more to me than anyone else's. If you ask me to be a part of your school day because that's something I do for your sisters, I will be. I was very lucky to have Grandma Richardson to show me that step-parents can love unconditionally. My hope is that if you ever become a step-parent that you love those kids with everything you've got and always, ALWAYS treat them like the gifts they are. I love you sweet boy and I thank God every day that he brought you into my life five years ago.

Dear Kinsey,

You've had to grow up much faster than you should have because of me being sick last year, and I'm so incredibly proud of you for how beautifully you've handled it all. You're such a big help to me. And your teachers keep telling me how big of a help you are to them. In fact, I got a phone call from your teacher last week and he told me he wishes all of his students were just like you! I couldn't be more proud! I love you so much.

Dear Ava,

I love all the time I've gotten to spend with you at school this year. It brings me such joy to see you excelling and bringing home so many Whiskers awards for your exceptional behavior. Your laugh lights up my world. It's so infectious. I hope you never lose your ability to see this life through such pure lenses. I love you sweet cheeks!

Dear Breanna,

It's been a long week for the two of us. I hate when any of my babies are sick but it's especially hard on me when it's you. You've been through so much in your short life. You're one of the bravest people I've ever known, and yet I know you don't understand that because it just comes naturally to you. It's the only way of life that you have ever known. You give me strength that I didn't know I had until I had you. I'm so glad you're finally feeling better. I love you baby girl! Love, Mommy