Riley's....Here We Come Again!!!

WOW...has it really been THREE months since my last post?  Apparently so.

Time really does fly by faster the older you get.

A few months ago, while doing a Bible study with some close girlfriends, I really started to feel like I needed to shift my priorities, so one of the things that fell to the wayside was this blog.  I've had several friends email me and ask if something was wrong, because I hadn't 'blogged' in so long.

And truth be told, I just haven't had the desire to share what has been going on in our personal life until we had some more definitive answers.

Ava has been pretty sick for a few months.  After a couple ER visits and a string of inconclusive bloodwork, Mark admitted her to Jasper Hospital for further testing.  After an abdominal ultrasound and CT scans, it was determined that she has some GI issues and a gallstone.

Mark called Marcus (the dr who performed my gallbladder removal and mastectomy) to come evaluate her and decide if he felt surgery was needed.  After much discussion about her age and the rarity of gallbladder issues at this age, the unknown of the cause of it, it was decided that her care needed to be transferred to Riley's.

Her medications were adjusted to keep her comfortable until we were able to get in to see the Pediatric Surgeon on March 20.

Dr. Billmire said Ava's cause is unusual and she wanted her to see the GI specialist to try and determine what else is going on. 

So, on Monday we were back at Riley's bright and early of another ultrasound and an Upper GI with small bowl follow through.  (Meaning she had to drink Barium and have her organs scanned as it passed through).  This test took awhile, and she wasn't able to eat until the Barium made it to a certain point in the digestive track.  The poor kid was starving by time that happened.

That afternoon we met with the GI specialist, Dr Croffie, at IU North.  After a long evaluation, he decided that she also needs an Endoscopy with Bravo implant.  We are waiting for scheduling to call us with the date of that appointment, but with this procedure they will be testing the pH of the acid her stomach is producing, repair any ulcers they find, and take biopsies from within the duodenum and intestines, which will tell us if she has Celiac disease (aka: a gluten allergy).  She has about 9 out of the 10 symptoms for this disease, and we've recently found out that it runs on her paternal grandfather's side of Curtis's family. 

The procedure will take about 3-4 hours and she'll have to be put under anesthesia for it.  A small device will be attached to her esophageal wall, and she'll have to wear a pager sized recorder on her belt that will record the pH readings from the acid that is causing the esophageal damage during the reflux.  With the information they gather, Dr Croffie will be able to adjust her medication to better treat her.

So, that's where we are with all of that.

Now for the good news....

Four other women from my town will be participating in the 3-Day in Chicago, and I'm so excited.  We've been getting together a couple days a week for training walks, and it's been a lot of fun to get to know them better.  If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you'll see the MapMyRun app postings about these training walks. :)

We're also encouraging our big kids to exercise more, so as a family, we've started a 5K training program.  They are pretty excited about it, and regularly ask me to wait until they get home from school to run so that they can run with me.  This past week-end, Chris and I went to Adventure's Recreation to get some new running socks, which lead to me getting a new fanny camelbak for my 3-Day.  (I absolutely LOVE it, and the best part is.....IT'S PINK!).  And Chris also bought me my first pair of Pearl Izumi's.  He bought himself a pair, too, as motivation to start running with me. lol.  They are honestly, the most comfortable tennis shoes I've ever ran in.

Honey Mustard Penne with Grilled Chicken

I'm going to share with you all my easiest go-to recipe for left over grilled chicken.

I don't have my normal step-by-step pictures, but it's so easy, y'all won't even need them. Lol

Dice up grilled chicken, an avocado, and a cucumber.

While boiling the penne, whip up some homemade honey mustard.

1 cup low-fat mayo

1/4 cup Dijon mustard

2 Tbsp Karo

4 Tbsp honey or agave nectar

Mix well.

Drain pasta and mix all ingredients.

Where I'm Supposed to Be

So, I've been MIA the past few weeks.

Not because I haven't had anything to be thankful for, because trust me, I have.  But I've been in a darker place following this past surgery.  Thank goodness for phone calls and texting with Allie.  It's always comforting to hear, 'I understand exactly how you feel.'

Surgery always manages to stir up emotions that I try my hardest to keep at bay.  Probably because I have a lot of downtime to just think while I'm laying in bed.

As usual following surgery, I got a pretty nasty chest cold, and wasn't able to get into my doctor, so I went to the urgent clinic in our town.  I was warned that the attending doctor there is 'cold', but I didn't care...I just needed an antibiotic, and I could deal with 'cold' for a 10 minute appointment.  I needed to get some antibiotics in my system before hosting Kinsey's birthday party that night.

Since it was the first time I had ever been there, I had to fill out paperwork which included my medical history.

The doctor came in and starts looking through my paperwork.  He asks me to tell him a little bit about my experience with cancer, and as I'm going through it all, tears start streaming down his face.  He says to me, 'It's so hard to hear of that kind of struggle at your age.'  Then proceeds to feel around on my glands. 

I tried to 'cheer him up' by telling him about how great I'm doing now and how awesome my experience was on the 3-Day, but he didn't smile even a little.

As my appointment ended, we walked out into this common area, he turns to me and says, 'My wife died from breast cancer 15 years ago.  Keep doing what you're doing, brave girl, you can change the world.'

I barely made it to my car before the tears started flowing, but in the moment I knew, I was right where I was supposed to be.  That sweet doctor needed that release, and God put me there for that reason.

Later that day, Allie called me to tell me about a friend of ours who found out her cancer is back, and in her brain. 

And just a few hours later, I learned that my ex father-in-law had an accident and had to be life lined to a hospital in Indianapolis.

So, here I am, hosting six girls and a birthday party, and having to take breather breaks to go in the bathroom and just cry.  To say it was a rough day would be an understatement, but thankfully, because all the girls were here, they kept me occupied just enough that I kept it together for the most part.

I know He knew that'd be my day and He worked it out that way.

With the overload of things going on, Chris let my dad know.  So, I ended up getting a phone call from my step-mom half-way through the evening, letting me know she was coming up to be with me.  I soooo needed that.  After I got the girls down for the night, Roxann and I had a long talk about everything. 

I'm so emotionally invested in these wonderful people who've come into my life because of cancer, and even though I know God has a plan, it's so hard to not question that plan when those you love are suffering and dying from it. 

Why them and not me?

Survivor's guilt rearing it's ugly face!

Sometimes it's hard to comprehend that I'm right where He needs me to be, especially when they are not right where I think they should be.

The questions begin to flood my mind, and He always, ALWAYS meets me there.

Where does he meet us in our suffering?  What does the cross really mean?  What good is an escape route if it does not open until the end of time?

I know the cross does not promise to free us from pain and suffering...not at least any time in the present.  It, in fact, promises just the opposite.  The certainty of pain and suffering.

So where is my joy if my world (the one I'm so deeply in love with) is so immensely filled with suffering?  It's running straight through the heart of the pain and suffering.

My faith, at the very least, asks me to believe that the path to heaven runs through suffering.  Through the sorrow of this world, through that fog of doubt. My God is love.  And He is in control.

I know He brought me to this place in my life for a reason above it just being for a season.  I knew that the moment I stepped off that plane in Atlanta and was surrounded by people who 'get' where I am in my life. 

Standing in Survivor's Circle, embracing Allie, I knew I was where I'm supposed to be.

I came home, had surgery, went to that darker place...and it's been an eye opener in that I know not only am I supposed to be involved with the Susan G Komen foundation and bringing awareness to this disease, but I'm supposed to be doing something more.

When I had Kinsey, I gave up on college to get a job and support us.  Over the past few years, I've toyed with the idea of going back to school for something different, but the past few weeks Chris and I have been in a lot of discussion of me feeling like I'm supposed to further my education with Chemistry.  Now, the nearest major college is over an hour away, so I told him I was going to check into USI, and he suggested IU...since they are close to the same distance away.  I mentioned that I know they don't have an engineering program, but I looked at their program list anyway.  Low and behold, they have a program for Chemical Informatics. 

So....without further ado...guess who's going back to school?

And guess who in a few years will, hopefully, be working in a Lab or for a drug company (and hopefully focusing on cancer medications)?

This girl!

I really feel like everything in my life that has happened has guided me back to this place because this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing with it.

What Fills You With Gratitude?

Gratitude begins where entitlement ends.

WOW!!!....Could there be a more true statement?

A lot of my friends are writing out something that they are thankful for every day of this month.  The thing is, I look around at my life and have so much to be thankful for that I couldn't possibly write it all down in 30 days if I only mentioned one thing a day.

My life is blessed beyond measure, and I know I'm not entitled to any of it.

I'm definitely not entitled to the grace that God covers me in.

I'm not entitled to have my children.  So many people want and try for so long without success.  Heck had God not blessed me with Kinsey when he did, I would have waited to have kids.  Unbeknowst to me at the time, I would have to have a hysterectomy at the age of 27.  Every day I look at them, I'm thankful for His timing.

I'm not entitled to my house, or car, or any of my other world possessions, but God has blessed us with the means to comfortably provide for our family of six.

Good health insurance.  I think about this often and the fact that if the majority of people faced just one of the medical issues we've faced in the past 5 years, they'd have had to file bankruptcy, or relied on the graciousness of others to get them through.  We didn't.  And we don't take that lightly.

Amazing friends and family.  Even during our darkest hours of this past year, we were never alone.  My kids lives maintained normalcy because of everyone who stepped up to help with all the tasks that I could not physically do, so that what energy I did have, was spent focused on my involvement with my children.  My life may have felt like it was falling down around me, but my kids never knew it because so many people who love us, were here to help hold it up.  Not only was I not entitled to that, I look back and think to myself, 'What did I do to deserve to be loved THAT MUCH?'

I know I'm not entitled to my health...and one of the things that has resonated so much with me these past few months is that had it not been for the deterioration of it, my life would not be on the path it is on today.  I would have never met this online community of people that I have now had the opportunity to meet, and fall in love with.  I wouldn't continue to meet people that touch my life daily.  Cancer didn't just change the outward appearance of my body...it changed me.  It changed the compassion I have for other's, it changed my want to 'do something about it', it changed my fight and determination in life.  It has made me vulnerable past the point of comfortableness at times, it has broken my heart, and yet it has stripped away all the baggage.  There are no words to explain the amount of gratitude I feel for this season of my life.

What about all of you?....What makes your heart fill with gratitude???

Actions

For most people, I think, it takes a lifetime, if at all, to learn what's important. For us to learn empathy, or kindness, or pain, or to know what is merely annoying compared to what is truly difficult. For us to learn how to truly love. If we're lucky, and smart, we take those lessons and the experiences we extract them from and transform them into actions of our own.


This is EXACTLY what the world of a 3-Day is like.... people digging down deep and really, truly loving each other.  Standing up for those who are no longer with us, those who are being drug through the darkest hours of their lives right now, those who survived, and for a hope that tomorrow we will rid this world of such a terrible disease. 

I witnessed more compassion in a weekend than I had seen in my entire lifetime before those 3 days.

I witnessed the way the world should be....