Stop Hiding

For six years, I lived a life that I hid from almost every single person I know.  One that was very unhealthy for me, and my children.  I was ashamed.  Broken.  Silenced.  Afraid.  Defeated. And numb.  I made excuses for and forgave inexcusable behaviors, and put on a mask of happiness for the world to see.  I was so afraid that if people knew the truth, they'd pass judgement, and I've long struggled with wanting to be accepted.

While I won't go into the details, because it's not just my story to tell, I want to say this to anyone out there who feels any of those things.  Whether it's because of addiction, abuse, mental issues, perfectionism, or a disease....YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

If you ever find yourself in a situation that makes you feel afraid, you can continue to live in fear, or you can be brave and make a change.

It doesn't matter if you feel like you are in too deep to get out.  Trust me, I know, because I've lived through it.  You always have the ability to change, no matter how scary it is. Once you decide to remove whatever it is that is causing you pain, you might have days that you wake up and feel paralyzed by the fear that life as you know it is over.  It might feel like an awful decision, but it's not.  It's the best decision.  

Because you've lived a lie for so long, you might struggle to get to a place of no longer hiding, of truly being yourself.  And partly, it's because you probably don't even really know who you are anymore.  Finding yourself is painful and freeing all at the same time.  You will have days that you are both happy and sad, and you'll wonder how that's possibly, but understand this...you can grieve the loss of the life you knew, even though it was unhealthy for you, and celebrate the new life you have all at the same time.  It'll more than likely be one of the first true 'feels' you experience. 

When you start to allow yourself to truly feel and process what you went through, you'll be able to talk about your truth.  It might only be to a therapist, your minister, or a close friend, but you will finally be free from your prison of secrets.  Learning to be real and authentic after hiding for so long is hard and painful.  So many good things are.

You're going to find out who really loves you during this time...and it will be eye opening.  Purge.  And purge some more.  You will start to realize that everything and everyone that's left, is what and who is important to you.  That's what change does.  It forces you to decide and hold on to the things that matter to you the most.

It's so very hard to go from a place of being numb, because you open your heart to feel things again. I can't promise that it won't hurt like hell, or that it won't be uncomfortable and completely foreign to you.  But it's something you absolutely have to go through to start the healing process.  If you are brave enough to feel, you will begin to have hope.  Hope leads to taking a step in the right direction.  The direction towards a future filled with things you thought were impossible.

You will find the things in life that really bring you joy.  But even those things can be scary as you start to navigate this new life.  You might find yourself waiting for the bottom to drop out.  Stop it!  You deserve to be happy, and healthy, and safe.  You are worth it, and you deserve it!

Over the last year and a half, I've learned so much about myself.

I've learned that motherhood, and being a wife, and just life in general are really, really hard sometimes.  But they are also so amazing and beautiful.

I learned that it is okay to be honest, and to be unapologetically myself.  I've learned that I am kind, and sensitive, and fiercely loyal to the people I love.  I've learned that I sometimes I make big mistakes, and I've learned to genuinely apologize and forgive myself.  I've learned that I am truly loved.  I've learned that I'm a good listener, a quick forgiver, and that sensitivity chip that I tried hiding for so long is actually a blessing because it allows me to empathize with other people.  I've learned that I love home improvement projects, but mid-way through I get distracted and my husband ends up finishing them.  I truly don't know what I'd do without him.  I've learned that people (mostly my husband and kids) think I'm funny, and hearing my children's giggles bring an indescribable amount of joy.  

In my quest to become a better mother, I've learned what it means to be a good friend, a good sister, and a good wife.

I've realized that as I put the real me out there...inch by inch...life is and will continue to bless me with amazing relationships with genuine people I stand in awe of.  I see their joys, triumphs, failures, pain, and sorrow.  And I see how beautifully and courageous they handle it all.

My relationship with the Lord has deepened, and I've finally realized that He loves me no matter what.

I've learned to be thankful for the blessings in my life because in so many situation, they are not the norm...they are the exception.

I've learned that the most important thing in life is to continue to make the next best choice for me and my family, and that that looks different for everyone.

I've learned that indifference is just that....indifference.  And you can be indifferent with people you love, and still show compassion.

I've learned that internalizing pain only causes more pain, and loneliness.  And that the people who love you will stand beside you no matter what stage of life you are in or what challenges you may be facing.

I've learned that writing is a part of the healing process for me.  Whether it's here, or in my journal.  And I've learned that healing starts fresh for me every single morning.

I've learned that being in the presence of my husband, music, yoga, snuggling my babies, time with my friends and family, meditating, and sunshine are good for my soul.

You deserve to know and love all of these things about yourself, too.

So get out of bed.  Take a shower.  Fix your hair.  Put on some makeup.  Your favorite outfit.  Even if you aren't going anywhere.  It'll still make you feel better.

Read to your kids.  Breathe in their precious smell.  

Start journaling. Or blogging.  

And talk to God.  Ask for his help and guidance, and remember to thank Him.

And realize that you don't need to feel ashamed of your story, or your reasons for hiding.  You are loved anyways.

Let's Love the Real Version of Each Other

THIS... it's my house almost all.the.time.

There was a time not long ago that I wouldn't have let anyone outside of my house see this.  I'd spend hours cleaning if I knew someone was coming over.  

WHY???

Because most of us don't want people to know the truth.  We want people to think our homes are Pinterest perfect.  That our homes are always spotless, our laundry is always ironed, and we have a three course meal on the table every night.   All while serving the Lord, being a good spouse, raising (demanding) children, being a good friend, sister, daughter, etc.

Most of you that know me personally know that I've struggled with anxiety and OCD for quite some time. In learning what my triggers are, I've come to realize that a big part of it is feeling like I have to keep up with the image people have of me.  The mom that really does have it together all the time.   Despite my best efforts, that's just not our reality.  It's way too stressful to try to keep up with the facade.  My mental well-being is just so much more important than impressing anyone.  But trust me when I say I would have never reached this real, and healthy awareness without having an amazing husband that unconditionally loves, accepts, and supports instead of expecting perfection.

The beautiful, messy chaos that comes with having three awesome little girls is our reality.  We are simply out numbered, and it's impossible to keep up with all of their needs, our own, and keep a spotless house.

There are dishes in my sink, piles of clothes that need put away, floors that need swept, and windows that need to be washed.

If that needs to take precedent over spending valuable time with my husband and girls for you to be my friend, well then, we can't be friends.

But please understand, I really do want to be your friend.  

If I've chosen to allow you to be a part of my family's lives, I really do like you.  I think you are genuine, and fun, and a blessing to our lives.

If you do come over, I promise I won't pretend to have it together all the time.  You are going to get the real me.  The me that's not afraid to spend a few minutes of every day discussing with one of my best friends all of the things on my to-do list that I didn't get done, or the fact that we spent all day Sunday in our PJ's, or that I didn't even brush my hair that day.  And let me tell you, it's a blessing to have a friend who isn't afraid to also admit her 'mommy failures'...because we all have them!  

This past year and half has opened my eyes to the importance of authentic relationships.  So, come over, and sit with me.  I'll make you a cup of tea, and we will have real and meaningful conversations.  You will get to know my heart and I yours.  Because isn't that what life is really all about?!  Loving each other for who we really are.

Infinity Scarf 101 (So Easy an 8 Year Old Can Make One)

For Christmas this year, the girls and I decided to put our crafty skills to use and make homemade gifts for the females in our family.

Besides the 15 lbs of sugar, oil, and honey we used to make various body scrubs, we've also been putting our knitting looms to use making infinity scarfs.

They are really easy to make, and can dress up any outfit.

I posted a picture of Kinsey working on one, and we got several requests to make more AND a few requests for the instructions on how to make these beauties.

Supplies needed:

- Knitting Loom

-Loom Hook

-Scissors

-Yarn

Step 1:  Anchor your yarn with a simple knot.  

Step 2:  Wrap the yarn around the first peg in a counterclockwise loop.  The girls call it 'making a cursive e'.

Step 3: Continue doing this on each peg...alternating sides.  The girls call this 'making an 8'.

Step 4:  Once I get to the end, I rotate my loom.  This time you will wrap clockwise.  The last peg will only have one loop..each time.

Step 5: Once you finish this step 4, your loom will look like this.  Take your loom hook and lift the bottom yarn loop over the top one, working down both sides of the loom.

Step 6: Push the yarn down so that it doesn't come off the loom, and repeat steps 4 and 5.

When you reach the desired length, attach the two ends of the scarf using a flat seam.

To wear, give it a quick twist and slip it over your head.

11

Kinsey, 

How is it possible that you are ELEVEN today?

It seems like just yesterday, I was in the hospital, listening to Kate talk about what was happening to my body during labor.  (Some day I will tell you this story!)

Time has flown by....

I'm sitting here, reflecting on the past 11 years.

The pictures uploaded out of order, but that's okay.

We spent a long weekend in Emerald Isle, and even though it was chilly, you and your sisters wanted to go play on the beach so badly.

We had such a fun time the weekend of the wedding.

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of you, your sisters, and Poppy.

You were so excited to pick a neighbor to decorate and take cookies to.

Preschool graduation.  You absolutely loved Play N Learn, and Ms Marla, and Ms Carla.

And I am so thankful for the start in education that they gave you.

You were such a ham!

How cool were you in those shades on your first day of Kindergarten?! 

Wow...how you grew from that day to your first day of 2nd grade.

Your 1st grade birthday party was so much fun...

Even though Bre tried stealing one of the cupcakes out of your cake before we got pictures.

I'll never forget how much fun our vacation to Disney World was.

Or our trip to St. Louis.

1st day of 4th grade.

Meeting Santa on the Polar Express sure was fun...

And so was spending New Year's in Nashville.

You guys had so much fun in Panama City, especially going down to the beach at night to play in the water.

You loved every minute of your birthday celebration at the Melting Pot, last year.

By 10...you were nearly as big as me.

After your first Locks of Love donation...  I cried, and cried, and cried because of your beautiful gesture, and so did your stylist.  I had just had my mastectomy a few weeks before.

You make life so much fun.

And I am so honored that I get to be your Mom.

Happy Birthday, baby girl!!!

Always Learning

Girls,

Awhile ago, I wrote you a list of things I've learned along the way.  Over the past couple months, I've been adding to that list.

101. When you don't know what to do, and everything is moving too fast, do nothing.  Be still.

102.  Momma Evan and Kate love you as much as I do.  If you ever feel like you can't come to me, Poppy, or your dad, you can always, ALWAYS go to them.

103.  Learn the basics of every sport so you can intelligently follow what's going on.

104.  Dance with your husband.  In the kitchen, living room, bedroom...wherever you get the chance.  I promise it will bless your marriage.

105.  There is no unacceptable amount of love that one can have for bacon.

106.  Set goals and work hard to achieve them.

107.  God has the final word on your life and His word is always grace.

108.  Money can make life easier, but it does not buy happiness or love.

109.  Eat chocolate.

110.  ALL emotions are beautiful and essential in life.

111.  Open your mind, heart, and soul to new things.

112.  Ask a random person what their passion in life is, and genuinely listen.

113.  Some opportunities come only once...don't let them pass you by!

114.  Having an open mind is the best solution to most all situations.

115.  Learn to grill.

116.  And make Poppy's BBQ sauce.

117.  If something is really important to you, you will find a way.

118.  Go out on a limb.

119.  Drink a lot of water.

120.  You can have roots and wings.

121.  One small, positive thought in the morning can change your entire day.

122.  Learn to love without condition.

123.  Don't bend it, don't water it down, don't try to make it logical, don't edit your own soul according to what everyone else is doing.

124.  The most important things in life are not things.

125.  Know that most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.  Strive to understand.

126.  Never lose hope.

127.  The first step towards success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.

128.  Being a mother is one of the biggest blessings in life.

129.  Science is organized knowledge.  

130.  You are stronger than you think.

131.  Be a reflection of what you'd like to see in others.

132.  The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens.  Don't give up!!!

133.  You can't fix yourself by trying to break someone else.

134.  Your inner light has a chance to shine when you're at peace with yourself.

135.  Chick-fil-a is a staple in life.

136.  In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

137.  Love simply.

138.  Dream.  BIG!

139.  Never pass up the opportunity to tell someone how you feel.

140.  And know that love is friendship set on fire.  When you find it...never let it go.  And remember these next few things I've learned about marriage throughout these past 11 years.

 It's hard.  Probably the hardest but most rewarding thing you will ever do in your life.  At times I've felt ashamed about divorce.  Because I thought I was letting you down.  Over time, I've come to realize that I wasn't effectively parenting you by allowing you to see an unhealthy marriage, and sometimes, two sets of healthy marriages (and having step-parents) is absolutely better.

However, when you reach that point in your lives, understand that my mistakes have helped show me how to be a better wife to Poppy, and for that, I am thankful.

Respect your husband.  You chose him - to walk beside you in this life and to be the head of your household.  For that alone, he deserves your respect.  Get out of the mindset that your attitude towards someone should reflect how they treat you (unless you are being abused).  You absolutely deserve the utmost respect from your spouse, but you are marrying an imperfect person, and sometimes he will have a bad day.  He will get grouchy and sometimes you will want to lash out at them.  Chose respect.  Trust me, when respect is given, it will make the other person reciprocate and want to earn it.  

Protect your heart.  Do not believe the lie that you have to keep up with the Jones's to have a happy, fulfilling life.  Be thankful for the life and things that you've been blessed with.  This world will try to convince you that your life is not good enough, but understand that you will never be satisfied with more until you are happy with what you have.

We are called to follow order: God, your husband, your kids.  This is one I didn't understand for a LONG time.  Because of struggles I faced, and because I felt like life had dealt you a tough hand (Bre for having health issues, K and A for having a sick sister, and all of you for having a mom with cancer and divorced parents) you became the absolute center of my world.  I'm not saying you aren't of utmost importance in my life, or that your future children should go without or be neglected.  But I'm saying this...unless your heart is in the right place, if God doesn't come first, you will struggle.  Back to what I was saying earlier, you can not effectively parent your children if your marriage is falling apart.  I know...I tried.  At some point in time, your children are going to grow and leave your home, if you haven't spent time cultivating your marriage, you might end up with an empty heart.

Date your spouse.  This one is so important.  Even if you can't afford to get a sitter, make a point to carve out one-on-one time with your husband.  It may be taking your lunch breaks at the same time, sitting on the porch for 10 minutes when he gets home, taking a bath together, etc.  Don't talk about bills, the kids, schedules, etc.  Daydream together.  Talk about your future.  Plan a vacation.  You'll be surprised by how much you continue to learn about one another.

Forgive!!!  You are marrying an imperfect person.  And you are imperfect, too.

Communicate.  And communicate some more.  I am so bad about shutting down when I get upset.  Mostly because crying is not something I deal with very well.  But the thing is, it's unfair to expect your spouse to understand why your upset if you don't tell them.  Men and women are wired different.  They just are.  And sometimes, they really don't understand that women can take a sentence or non-gesture as being insensitive.  

Learn his love language.  Different things make different people feel loved.  Early in mine and Poppy's courtship, we took the love language test.  I desire to do things that make him feel appreciated and loved so it was important to me to know how to do that, and him me.  Learn this about your spouse....AND USE IT!

Never say or threaten the 'D' word.  If you say it, you better mean it!  It's not a fair way to fight, and it often causes a loss of trust in the marriage.

Never, EVER talk negatively about your spouse.  If you reach a difficult spot in your marriage, talk to a counselor.  Don't blast your partner on social media, to any friend who will listen, and certainly not to family.  The things they are hearing, even if you feel they are just and true, are one-sided.  And often times they cause those people to feel negatively about your significant other.  You may get over it, forgive, and move on, but they may not.  

Choose love.  Let's face it, you aren't always going to wake up beaming with love.  Make a choice to show it anyways.  Your spouse is going to make you furious sometimes.  Choose love.  Reflect on the love you felt when you took your vows.  Both he and your marriage are worth it.