Facing Fear

I have been working on a 'project' for a re-set for original engagement ring..well, even since our jeweler accidentally broke my wrap during a repair. I wanted something that would symbolize what we have faced in our marriage. The ups and downs, surprises, our daughter's illness, etc.

I ended up choosing a 'halo' setting to represent the angel God has blessed our life with. A sapphire and diamond eternity band to accompany it. Sapphire = Breanna's birthstone. Eternity = God. There are surprise diamonds on each side of the basket to represent the surprises life throws our way, that oh so often leave me filled with anxiety and fear. But this ring also serves as a reminder that I am not alone in facing those fears and anxiety. Chris is here by my side, and so is God.

When we first found out Breanna had 3 markers for down syndrome, I did alot of research about it and prayed daily that God would give me the wisdom, patience, and courage to be the best mother I could be. When we met with the high-risk OB/GYN, at 5 months, she told us she had good and bad news. Breanna would not (from what the test showed) have D.S., but she did have what she believed to be a heart deformation. I could not help but feel sick, and wonder what did I do wrong. Was it because I was so sick? Was it because I contracted MRSA a month earlier, and they had to give me some medications that were not safe for pregnancy so that I would not die? At the time, I they informed me of the risk to the pregnancy but I could not risk not making it when I had two other small children at home. My mind was spinning. And my heart was broken.

They set us up an appointment with a cardiologist at Ohio Valley Heart in Evansville for a fetal echocardiogram. We spent over an hour with the technician while she took a scan of every valve, chamber, etc that she possibly could. And to our surprise, the cardiologist told us everything looked fine. Fast forward two months, I go into premature labor at 31 weeks. Spend several days of unsuccessfully stopping my contractions, but I am not dilating and baby B's heart rate was holding steady. They want me to stay another night for observation during which she quits moving. Heart rate is still fine, but alot of my levels are not. They do an biophysical profile and she fails. They need to prepare me to deliver, but my blood levels are so low it is not possible to deliver. I spend the next 12 hrs receiving numerous blood transfusions, and steroid shots to try to help her lung development. Around 9 am on September 30th, the doctors come in a try to prepare us for having a premature baby. NOTHING can prepare a mother for having her child whisked away as soon as they are delivered. Not hearing them cry, not seeing them until they are intubated, and have numerous IV's. Evan rushed to be with me, because she's my best friend, and a nurse, and she knew she had to be there just in case this took a turn for the worst. This pregnancy had taken a toll on my body, my mind, and my spirit, and she knew I was at a point of not being able to handle much more.

Things started looking up! Breanna was doing so exceptionally well, the extubated her and Chris and I were supposed to come back to the hospital that evening to get to hold her. We got the call as we were leaving to head to the hospital that there was a problem, and that she would need to be lifelined to Riley's to have surgery. FEAR!!!!!!! We get to the NICU, and as we are standing there she codes. I can not put into words the emotions I felt standing there not knowing if they would get her back, watching them cock her head back and re-intubate her. (You know those medical shows where the loved ones are outside of the operating room, looking in? well, we were there. 5 feet away while all this was going on). I felt fear like I have never experienced in my life.

As you all know, Breanna had what even her surgeon described as an 'extraordinary' recovery. Nothing short of God working through him, and taking over during her healing. But as we face the new challenges (the stenosis and valve leakage), I am constantly plagued with fear and anxiety again. I know He and He alone has the power to heal her. And even though, the past few times we have went to the doctor things show no signs of progression, I still feel an overwhelming anxiety before each and every appointment. In the back of my mind is the reality that this could be the time we find out it's time for surgery. Is there going to be a donor available? Is her body going to tolerate the new pieces of her heart, or will it reject it?

I think if it were not for my ability to turn to Him, knowing she is in His hands, it is very possible that I might loose my mind. I'm faced with a situation in which I feel helpless. And for those of you like me who like to be in control, this is a horrible feeling. Turning to Him, and living to enjoy my family is what gets me through.

I read a devotional about facing fear...which talks about the five truths to consider when you're tempted to feel hopeless and trapped by fear.

1. Life is full of negative things that might happen.

2. As long as I choose a path of personal growth, I will face fearful situations. The day nothing happens that makes us feel a little bit afraid, we'd better watch out! We may have quit breathing! New opportunities and challenges bring numerous, fearful situations that we must deal with.

3.Acknowledging my anxieties is a positive first step. Seek help from experts in an area of concern. Or discuss your fears with your spouse or good friend.

4. An attitude of optimism will make today more enjoyable. Seek out humorous thoughts and anecdotes.

5Choosing a faith-filled decision is much less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from feeling helpless. Moving out in faith may seem frightening, risky, impossible, senseless, stretching, gut-wrenching, and unnatural. But it's worth it!!!

Glorious Mystery

Last night I started reading the book "My Sister's Keeper". It's the story of parents who had a two year old daughter who was diagnosed with a rare lymphomia. To save her life, they had IV. A geneticist implanted the embreyo that had all the chromosones as their sick child. This child..another daughter...was born in essence to save her sister's life. This topic has raised an enormous amount of controversy. Most say it is extremely unethical, that it goes against nature. As I read the story from the mother's perspective, I feel her pain. I feel the heartbreaking desire to do anything within her own power to save her child. I also can't help but feel like this woman, this mother, isn't willing to give it to God, but instead trying to play God herself.

This morning as I sat down to pray about our upcoming week, Breanna's echocardiogram and our meeting with her cardiologist to see where we are at in terms of her next open heart surgery, I read Colossians Chapter 1.

1:27 says "To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of Glory"


Devotional Reading
"This is the mystery we were made to contain: the very life of Jesus. He means to live out the reality of who he is right here within the reality of who we are. He means to be our lives-the breath in our lungs, the thoughts in our heads, the energy and creativity in our jobs, the love in our hearts. He means to take on the stress and unravel the inner complications so that we can move through our lives just as he did, in gentleness and simplicity and harmony.

We were never intended to be more than containers:temples to contain his glory, branches to contain the sap of his life, vessels to contain the new wine of his Spirit. We are the glove; he is the hand. We are the cup; he is the coffee. We are the lamp; he is the light.

This is what we were made for. This is the intended purpose of the human person and personality; not to be gods, but to contain God. This is the kind of unity that was present in the garden but that is sadly missing in this world. It is the sheer simplicity of God's design that was shattered by humanity's sin. And it is the reason that Jesus came and cared and was torutred and killed and laid in a tomb and raised to life again...so that he could give us another shot at being what we WERE intended to be."

As I read this, I can't help but think of my dear friend Chelsa, who today, is giving her testimony in remembrance of the life her sweet, precious baby Andon. She needs our prayers today, as God works through her. Please lift her up in your prayers.

And please pray that we get good news (that Breanna's stenosis hasn't further progressed) at the cardiologist next Tuesday.

God Bless,

Eighteen Months

Today....

it has been 18 months since the day God worked through Dr. Brown and he saved Breanna's life.

Breanna was born September 30 at 31 weeks. All 4.5 pounds of her was the spitting image of her daddy. Before birth, we were told she had three markers for down syndrome, but we refused testing because of the high rate of miscarriage. And to us, it didn't really matter. She was our baby.

She entered the world at noon via c-section and we immediately knew she was not a down syndrome baby. In fact, she didn't even really have the look of a premature baby. She was actually quite a bit larger than most of the babies in the NICU.

The first few days drug on while we waited to hold her. According to the doctors, she was doing just fine, they were decreasing her oxygen levels, and had high hopes she would not stay intubated long. Huge relief for us.

Thursday, October 4th, was the day our life felt like it came crashing down around us. I had just gotten home from being released from the hospital. Was visiting with the girls, and waiting for Chris to get home, so we could go back down to the hospital. Right as he walked in the door, the phone rang.

It was the hospital.

Something was wrong. VERY wrong.

My head started spinning as one of the NICU doctors explained during her checkup that day he had thought he heard a murmur, so he called the cardiologist in for an echo. as a precautionary measure. The results they had were not good, and that he was now putting the cardiologist on the phone to speak with me.

'We found that you daughter has a condition called D-Transposition of the Great Arteries. She also has a very large hole between the chambers of her heart called a septal defect, and her atrioventricular canal is not formed all the way. This is a life threatening condition. We do have her stablized for the time being, but you need to get down her as fast as possible, so you can get the papers signed for Riley's lifeline team to come and transport her to Riley's.'

What? I don't understand. I dropped the phone and fell to the floor.

Chris thought I was in pain, since I had just had a c-section..he had no idea what I was about to tell him.

Panic. The girls. I tried calling both my parents and got no answer. Got grandma and she came rushing out to get the girls.

Chris and I headed to Evansville.

We got there, and she flatlined right in front of us. I stood there and watched while a team of nurses and doctors got her breathing again. I watched while my daughter was intubated right in front of me. Feeling like I was in a bad dream. How could this be reality?

The doctor explained to Lisa and I what needed to happen. I could not speak. I couldn't do anything. Finally, the doctor looked at me and said, 'honey, it's ok to cry.' I lost it.

October 5th, Breanna was lifelined to Riley's.

Honestly, October 5-15 were just a blur of days. Not sleeping. Being scared out of my mind. Not wanting to leave her bedside out of fear she would pass while I wasn't there with her. When I did leave to go sleep, I was still waking up every few hours to pump so the doctors could give her breastmilk through a feeding tube. It was the worst week and a half of my life.

A waiting game.

When's the day?

They had to shave her head to place a PICC line in. Her sweet, sweet Nurse Sam took a picture of her with a little bow in her hair before they shaved her head. And made me a scrapbook page with her picture, the bow, and the hair they shaved. Oh, how I cherished that page with every fiber of my being. I was amazed at how the nurses in the NICU loved the babies. How attached to them they got.

We found out just a few days before surgery when they decided she was to the point she wasn't stable enough to go on without surgery, even though she was not nearly as big as they wanted her to be. They were hoping to hit to 5 pound mark. (We never hit that before she left the hospital.)

Chris and I got to the hospital bright and early to spend some time with her before they took her away for surgery.

My dad told me something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. He said, "Casondra, if God decides to take her, I will still feel blessed that I got to spend 16 days with one of His angels."

As much as that hurt, as much as I didn't want to think about the possibilty of her death, he was right. But saying good-bye to her outside the operating room, knowing I may never see her alive again, was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I thank God daily for having a husband who was strong enough to hold it together for me. Who held me up, when my knees went weak, and I couldn't hold it together anymore.

We walked to the waiting area, where our family and pastor were waiting.

We formed a circle and Tony prayed for God to lay His healing hand on Breanna, and for the comfort we needed to make it through the surgery.

God gave me comfort. He knew I couldn't handle the time length of the surgery. He gave me the strength to be still, and I slept.

Every hour during surgery they would come around and give updates on where they were in surgery, how things were going, etc. Hearing she was on by-pass was the hardest of all the news for me, because I knew there was a possibility her heart would not start back up. But everytime the nurse came around, we only got good news. She was doing great!

They last bit of information we got was, they are attempting to take her off of by-pass. If they are unsuccessful, the surgeon will scrub out and come talk to you about putting her on ECMO.

Well, about an hour passed and we got a phone calling telling us to come to the second floor same day surgery area to speak with the surgeon. Our hearts dropped.

We got down to the area where we were supposed to talk to the doctor, and waited for what seemed like an eternity. I am sure it was more like 4-5 minutes though. Dr. Brown came in and just looked at us for a moment.

PLEASE speak. Tell me what you need to tell me about my daughter.

About that time, he got a big smile on his face, and tells us, "Well, she came of bypass on the first attempt. She has minimal swelling, and we were able to close the sternum up."

Shock!!!

Chris and I looked at each other and laughed.

Thank you! Thank you! We can never tell you thank-you enough for saving our baby.

He said, "It's nothing really. I had to wear a little bit of stronger magnifying glasses because her heart is only the size of a small strawberry right now. Well, they are getting her set up in her Post-op room, you should be able to see her within a half hour."

Praise the Lord!

I know this picture will feel heartbreaking for some to see, but to us, it is the beauty of life! She's was still with us..she was ALIVE!

And 18 months later....HERE SHE IS......

Breanna's life, her story, is such a testimony to the power of prayer..to the miracles God DOES perform.

'With God, all things are possible'

I got a plaque today at Hobby Lobby that just jumped out at me. And I think it really speaks true..."instead of carrying the world on your shoulders, talk to the one who carries the universe on his"

I hope you all are enjoying your day as much as we are enjoying ours! We love you all!

Prayer for a Friend

Today after I got both the A's off for school, Kinsey, Breanna, and myself went to run a few errands.

In the car, we were jamming...yes, jamming at 8 am in the morning...to none other than the Casting Crown cd. Hands down, my current FAVORITE cd !!!
In Home Depot, it was taking me a while, because I was trying to find a certain type of tile to use for my demonstrations for Uppercase Living. Both girls were getting rambunctious, and Kinsey looks at me and says, "Mommy, I thought you said this wasn't going to take very long." HA,HA I did, in fact, tell her this prior to entering the store. I say, "Well, honey, we haven't really been in here very long." I think I got an eye roll with that.

After about thirty seconds she busts out in song. 'Lord, I lift my friend to you...."Ok..she has my attention. She sings a few lines of the song before I interrupt.

"Kins, I didn't realize you knew that song."

"Well, I do Mommy, " she said, "And I am singing to Jesus about T. He will help her, Mommy"

T is a friend of hers from school. They have become good friends over the past few months. I have encouraged it, despite the fact that I DO NOT agree with how this little girl is raised. Her parents openly curse and scream at their children. At 7 years old, she has a cell phone. The girls are allowed to do whatever they want, with little supervision. I could go on and on...

I had another parent..in the group of moms that my children play with, tell me she feels this little girl is a 'bad' influence on the other girls, and that the other girls should not play with her. I disagree! I think these other little girls are a positive influence in her chaotic life. Despite her upbringing..despite her faults (maybe them seem worse to some but in the grand scheme of things all sin is the same) , it is up to us to teach her about Jesus!

Back to mine and Kinsey's discussion....

"Mommy, she needs to be prayed for. She says the same bad words her mommy and daddy do. And we need to pray for her so she knows that is not the right thing to do."

"yes, Kinsey, you're right. We do. you are a very good friend for praying to Jesus to help her, but we also need to pray for her mommy and daddy too"

"Why Mommy?" she asks.

"Because we need to pray for them to find Jesus too."

We get back to the car, and I turn on the song Kinsey was singing in the store. It now, has a new meaning to me. My 6 year old, praying to our Mighty God, for one of her very best friends. Knowing that is the best thing she can do for her friend. Her little mind comprehends so much more than I give her credit for.

Here's the song she was singing:

Lord, I lift my friend to You,
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God,
and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world,
too blind to see the strings
Lord,I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You,
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

LORD, as I end this blog, I have some unspoken request for friends who need to be lifted to you tonight. Shed the light of your love upon them. They need to feel your presence around them. They need the strength to keep believing during these very difficult times in their lives. You, and only you, can take away their pain.

I talked to Jesus

Yesterday started out like any other typical day in the Clement/Jack household...

Kids running around screaming, tearing up the house. Me..running around the house like a mad woman picking up after them...thinking, 'Today just might be the day that I pull my hair out'

I have been pretty upset since Tuesday evening. I found out the Jen, who is my ex husband's sister, and in my heart will always be like not only a sister but a dear friend as well, had her baby. From the point of delivery, he has not been doing so well. He is having alot of difficulty breathing. Tuesday she was not able to hold him...and oh, how my heart is breaking for her. I have been there and know how incredibly painful it is to see your child laying there and not be able to hold them. She did, finally, get to hold him on Wednesday, but he is still not doing well. Right now, they are saying it could either be pnuemonia or pulmonary hypertension. He will have to stay in the NICU after she is discharged. Her husband, who is deployed to Iraq, is home with her right now, and will be for about two more weeks, but I know this is very hard for them. And I wish so much that I could be up in Indy with her right now.

So anyways, my heart has been heavy with that. Then I find out that the girl's dad is NOT getting them over their spring break like he was supposed to, and I had to break the news to the girls. Why am I always forced to be the one to tell them hurtful things like this?

Kinsey went to her room after I told her, and I knew she was probably crying..but from previous experiences with this I have learned, and it is very hard, that I need to let her have her space to 'process and deal' with these things. Then let her come talk to me about it when she is ready.

I hate to admit it, but she is EXACTLY like me when it comes to dealing with obstacles.

At lunchtime, she looks at me and says, "Mommy, I was really upset about us not going to daddy's like we were supposed to." I said, "It's ok to be upset about it...do you want to talk about it?" "No," she says, "I talked to Jesus about it, and I feel better now."

Wow.

My six year old has the ability to turn to Jesus, to talk to Him, to lean on Him when things are difficult for her...but I struggle with it so much sometimes.

There is a beautiful song by Casting Crowns called 'Somewhere in the Middle'...and I think it describes most all of us, as Christians, trying to figure out where we are, what He has planned for us and doing it. We are in the middle of who we were before becoming Christians, and who He is working through us to make us become. The song truly touches me, every single time I listen to it.


Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle


I was listening to this CD when my oldest two got off of the school bus yesterday. Aidan and I sat down to do his homework...and I was asking him how his day went, etc. The conversation went something like this:

Me: How was school today?

A: Good. I got another 'green' star.

Me: I see that. I am really proud of you. And you also got a 100 on your math quiz....GREAT JOB!!! *we high-five*

A: Where did you get this music you are listening to?

Me: Wal-Mart

A: Who is it?

Me: Casting Crowns...they sing Christian music and praise Jesus.

A: Well, I really like it. Can you put it in my Ipod?

Me: You really want Casting Crowns in your Ipod?

A: Yeah, I really do. I really like it. And I want to take it to Brandon's so he can listen to it. (Brandon is our next door neighbor kid, and they take their Ipod's outside when they play together and listen to music).

YES...I have awesome children...I am fully aware of this fact! And yes, my children have their own Ipod's....and DS's/Leapster's...and Playstation 2/V-smile...and Wii...and.....yes, I know, they are a just little spoiled but they are awesome kids!

This picture is a little old, but it is one of my favorite of all four of them!